Tuesday, December 4, 2018

Year in Review: Grades

Experience - Grade... explanation

Leaving Medstar — 8 ... I needed to do this for Eric, for Virginia and Jenn, and for me, my sanity, my health, and my career growth. It was still hard to leave two people that I became really close with over the years though. This was also the first time I’ve left a job because I wanted to move on for myself and for my career.

Winter Olympics — 7 ... Hockey was shit, except for some fun “Cinderella” German hockey stories. I found more fun in watching other events... ski jumping and Norwegian Drive-By and speed skating. Plus I had a bunch of time since this was part of the two weeks I was off work.

Starting at AAMC — 9 ... this was the change I needed. Not only am I making more money, but I have a set of people that care and believe in me. They understand that I know what I’m doing, and that only makes me want to keep all that going (and not mess up). I can see myself moving into a bigger role here, getting promoted, and making more money.

Time with Deb — In the moment: 7... she was a lot of fun to be with, we talked about a lot of stuff that I wouldn’t have talked to friends about, we went out together a lot, over 3 months or so, and everyone who met her, loved her. She actually allowed me to be more open and be myself when we were together. At the end: 2 ... what an utter waste of time, with a child who uses other people to make her feel better about herself. She was actually part of the reason that I didn’t watch some of the playoffs and the Capitals run to the Stanley Cup. I hope she realizes what she’s missing out on. Deb is the first girl that I know I did nothing wrong with, and this is on her, for being insecure as a person. In retrospect, I should’ve seen it from the beginning. Deb showed her personality at work, and was just next level selfish outside of work. (As an aside, the quote “Why would I be interested in you? I would never be interested in you” still kindof haunts me. This quote literally  happens after three months of going out together. What a joke.)

Capitals winning the Stanley Cup — 10+ ... all day and every day. I never thought I’d see the day, when the Washington Capitals were Stanley Cup champions, and it’s changed my outlook on life really. A team, that’s been historically not a winner... figures out how to win and bring together Washington DC. This is the shit movies are made out of. Maybe this means that I can actually find someone to be interested in me (perfect timing, see above)... I mean, if the Caps can win, anyone should be able to accomplish their dreams (am I right?).

World Cup — 4 ... the World Cup was weird this year, without the USA or Italy to root for. Nobody took off work to watch games. Nobody really watched games together. I watched what I could, and had a good time at the event for the World Cup Final.

Buying STi — 8 ... So far, this car is amazing. It’s fast, really fast, and fun to drive. I’ve started caring about a car again, since I scraped a wheel already and needed to get paint from Hong Kong in order to touch it up. Buying the STi was the right choice, since it still leaves me the dream of owning a Porsche someday. It isn’t perfect, and leaves me time to find my perfect.

40th Birthday — 7 ... I kindof hate birthday gatherings. They always seem to come off as forced, like everyone else has better things to do but “has to be here for your birthday.” Luckily I talked my mom out of renting a place, since it rained the whole day. All in all, it was nice to have my family there, and we celebrated how I made it one more year closer to dying.

Retiring from Refereeing — 9 ... this was a great decision. Have I been bored, sure... and I’ve even watched a bunch of college soccer on tv. But I also have time to go to Caps games, see friends, go out on dates, watch soccer, go to bars, etc. I can just do all the stuff that I’ve missed out on for years. Also, I don’t have to raise someone else’s kid because they’re an entitled little fuck who’s only been told how great he or she is their whole life. I also don’t have to deal with coaches, who can’t yell at the little fucks, so they take it out on other people. Did I tell you how perfect this decision is?

Renn Fest — 7 ... it was a really good time, but there’s a lot to take in. I mean, there’s so much that it’s really overwhelming and chaotic at first. The group of people that I went with though, are fantastic. They’re just a lot of fun. I think next year will be better... as I’ll know what to expect more.

Time with Samantha — 4 ... I thought something was a bit off, from the beginning, but I was holding out some hope still. Sam needed to tell me how important she was... which was super cute, it was like she was nervous and peacocking. Ultimately, I guess it wasn’t really cute or nervous, and was more just her actual personality. It just sucks to be strung along, to just never hear back from a girl that’s “busy”. I normally take that as “not interested and looking for better... but you’ll do if I don’t find anyone else”. I’m really happy that I went I see Bohemian Rhapsody, by myself, and didn’t wait for that to be a date night. Plus, at least this was done after only a couple weeks, and not 3 months after someone decided we “were never more than friends”. Sorry, back to Samantha, I’m not sure I’ve been around her enough to give her a better grade, but she’s still way higher than Deb, in my book.

Turkey Trot — 7 ... it was cold, I mean really cold, and I haven’t run since I stopped refereeing. But I didn’t die, and overall felt ok. I didn’t have a lot of time with the group though, since I needed to get home, shower, and get in a car for Thanksgiving. All in all, it’s a good way to start the day.

Thanksgiving — 5 ... these types of holidays seem forced to me. It’s the same forced conversations, eating too much, and laying on the couch watching football. Maybe wrestling ruined this day, since I always had a tournament that weekend, but I just don’t get into Thanksgiving that much. Plus, this is the second year or so that I’ve just transported beer up and back. Nobody likes good beer, and even the shit beer didn’t go. It’s a wasted day really.

Christmas — 4 ... I’ve lost the Christmas Spirit completely. Even to the point that I’m probably working on Christmas Eve, and won’t travel to my family in PA. I just find it utterly worthless, since  I buy what I want for myself, and I don’t have a girlfriend to buy something for. Having a nephew should make this more fun, in a year or so, I think.  Then he'll be into the present opening and all.

Boxing Day — ?? ... more than likely I’m working.

New Year’s Eve — ?? ... I don’t have plans yet.  Maybe this just turns into another international board game holiday.

In summary... 2018 was great for me, career wise and in becoming more confident in myself and accepting of myself. My group of friends have become stronger. I’ve added new people into that mix, and removed some people that were just not bringing anything to the table. On the girl front... same old same old. There was some promise at the beginning of the year, which ultimately ended in being just as far away as I’ve ever been, and something that could've worked at the end of the year.  Maybe having actual dates with more than one girl a year would help me out. It’ll happen someday, maybe... the worst part though is all the questions still.  You know what too if it doesn’t ever happen, then I can keep traveling by myself, going to concerts I’ve always wanted to, or doing literally whatever the fuck I want to. I could also just end up having a lot of money, that I’m saving for my family, as well. I need to get on creating that will though and setting up everything for the future... maybe in 2019, along with finishing the basement.

Tuesday, November 13, 2018

Closing out 2018: Year in Review...

It's mid-November, and 2018 is probably coming to a close for me.  I've had the "end of summer" dating app uptick, and even a couple dates.  So far, six full hours of dating for the year (pretty nice that I can track that on my Life Cycle App), but it seems like nothing is going farther than that. I’m only counting hours with Samantha, since nothing that occurred with the c-bomb earlier in the year actually existed as eventful time spent in my life (actually, it's literally time wasted on a 38 year old child).  Not that I'm still bitter or anything.  It's just far better to find out the "I've never been interested in you" quote in the beginningso I can adjust accordingly and treat her like a friend the whole time ... and not just find out about it after wasting so much time (and a Caps game and introducing her to other people in my life) on her.

Fall and Winter are normally great though, for me personally, since I normally get to sleep way more, with that light being shorter and all things going on.  Over the past week alone, I've averaged 96% sleep efficiency and an average time of 10:18 ... and this includes a Friday night where I watched old Queen Live sets on YouTube, and tried beer that has been left at my house.  As a quick aside: if you like Queen at all, check out the 'Bohemian Rhapsody' movie ... it's a quick 2 hours and 20 minutes.  I also just got a new set of sheets, that can only make my sleep more amazing this winter.

Over this past year, I've become more comfortable being single.  I've gotten out of the house, and gone to Caps games by myself, concerts by myself, movies by myself, and even went to get some food and "eat out" by myself.  I've always been an independent type of person, but never felt comfortable doing some things still ... things are society deems as "social events" or "date nights" I guess.  Getting past that is good, for me, as it means that I'm doing more and not waiting on other people to go.  Like the Queen movie, for example ... last week I'd gone out with Samantha on Monday night, and we even talked about going to the movie together.  Since I haven't really heard from her since, as she's apparently been “busy”, I'm really happy that I just went by myself and didn't wait on her.  Being more comfortable also isn’t hurt since I'm making a lot more money that I have in the past, and I'm in a much better place at work as well.  All in all, things are going really well, but I'd love to be able to share it with someone else (preferably a cute female that might be interested in me too).

PS:  I feel like I should give different aspects of my life grades, like US soccer players after a friendly against Brazil.  This might be fun for another day.  Maybe an actual "Year in Review"... where I rate experiences through the year.

Wednesday, October 10, 2018

A step early...

I’ll start this off by saying that I’m quite happy right now. I have a bunch of good friends, that actually look out for me, invite me places, and I’ve never felt more comfortable being alone. I still have this one, albeit very random, event that sits over my head... I’m always the “step” that takes a girl from being insecure or doubting themselves to being in a long term relationship and getting married.

Ok, always is hyperbole... I think it’s around 85 to 90 percent of the girls that I’ve dated/hooked up with, have moved on and found someone shortly after. I’m not saying this to mention that I’m great, or something like that, more to the contrary. I wonder why this keeps happening. What do I do so wrong?

I ask that question often... to myself, to girls that are either friends or aren’t friends... because I feel like I’m the only constant in everything. I have to be doing something wrong, if I can’t work out how to date someone, but the next guy can or at the very least gets a shot.

I need to figure out what I do wrong. I need to do some introspection. But until then, I’ll just work on being comfortable with who I am, and be ok being alone... it’s the only way I can be happy.

Friday, July 27, 2018

Losing a good friend

It’s interesting losing someone that you were close to, at some point of your life... whether it was for years or months, this was someone you could honestly says “knows more about me than I ever tell anyone else”.

I’m a reserved person. Some would call it calculated even. I tell you what I want you to hear, nothing more and nothing less. There are just some people, in this world, that I become very close to... very open with... and that rule about telling you what I want you to hear, goes right out the window. These are the people that I consider close, and I have a feeling that I’m starting to lose them.

There aren’t a lot of people I’m close to. It like the X-men maybe, they’re out there but people don’t know who they are. I’ve been close to less than 5 people in my life, give or take a little. So, it’s a bit sad when those people end up leaving. Granted, when they come back... we talk like nothing ever happened, but the in between time makes me feel like they’re gone. Nobody to talk to. Nobody to share the good things with. Nobody that really cares.

This has happened twice recently. Someone I’ve been friends with for 10+ years at this point, has just stopped. Not even a ‘happy birthday’ note on Facebook. It is what it is... she was always more into herself than anyone else in her life. But really? Maybe I just ended up being a dog sitter for half of the time, after she got married and had kids. The more recent one was someone I got close to quickly and someone who left just as quickly. I’m never one to allow someone to set plans and then never contact me. So, it sucks, but go fuck yourself. This was someone that I had a lot of fun with, and someone that could’ve been someone really close to me. Gone in a flash, and at no real fault of my own.

All in all, I’m a very reserved person. I have a ton of friends... that know this or know that about me, mostly it’s all what I want people to know. Some people are closer than that, but not many. Some people are father away, and someone that I go “I’m pretty certain I played soccer with her at some point”. At the end of the day though, it’s kindof sad when someone I was close to moves on. I don’t know if that seat at the round table should be filled, or left vacant. I don’t know if anyone would even come to be part of that group even. Finding someone to be close to might’ve even passed me by... like so many other people have. 


All the people that moved on with their lives, and no longer have a place for me... the single guy.

PS: I’m certain that I blame online dating for letting things like “ghosting” become mainstream and acceptable. Shit like this allows people to move on, without being a decent human being in the slightest, and believe that nothing is wrong with their behavior.

Sunday, May 20, 2018

"Seeing things" ...

I'm not even sure that anyone reads anything I put here ... to be honest, it would be far better if nobody ever knew about this.  This is my own, personal, part of the internet.  I can say what I'm thinking, I can be totality honest, and I can say it without looking like some whack job with a journal when I die.  Only time will tell if this really is my personal Oasis.

Onto the topic at hand though ... I'll begin with a little story.  Working with people, is normally where you can find your wife or girlfriend, really good friend, someone to cheat with, etc.  These are the people that you inevitably spend the most of your awake hours with.  When you've known someone for 2 or 3 years, you start to think that you know them pretty well.  So well, that you walk up to them and give them your number, as you're leaving the job, to grab a drink and a bite to eat sometime.  Maybe that's where the problem comes from, there's a perception that you "know someone", but many people are very different in work than they are out of work.  Let's take my example, we'll call her "Anne Marie".  I knew Anne Marie pretty well from work, I thought so, well enough to ask her to come out with friends and hang out on Friday evenings (even some Saturday evenings) for drinks and dinner.  Three months of this back and forth occurs, until one day Anne Marie meets a bunch of my friends, who are quite smitten with her and hoping that we are dating.  All fuck breaks loose from there, and Anne Marie becomes pretty hostile and quite shitty as a person.  Ultimately, this "whatever it really was" with Anne Marie falls into a place where her running away is her best option, since she "never showed me that she was interested."

But ... is that really the truth or maybe that she's not used to guys that actually notice things?

This is where "seeing things" comes into play.  In retrospect, I should've just asked in the beginning, but I was too scared to be rejected right off the hop, and never get to hang out with Anne Marie at all.  It's also not like Anne Marie was so attractive or so popular that I should've never thought that she could be interested in me.  Anne Marie is actually right in the section of girls that I think could be interested in me.  She's cute, but not attractive, she's smart, but not overly intellectual ... literally, if I described someone that I could be with for a very long time, Anne Marie would be that girl.  Still, part of me knew there was never a chance that she would be interested anyway, but that's the part of me that I've been trying to suppress ... it's time to give things a try, time to be optimistic going in, and time to not have regrets in the end for not going after someone I would want to date.  Being an introvert, and being able to notice surroundings becomes a very good trait to have and a very bad trait to have, all at the same time.  I noticed things like body language, tones in her voice, what we talked about, how she interacted with people, when she wanted to 'hang out', and even the use of exclamations points in texts.  I noticed a lot.  Sure, there were definitely signs that pointed to the fact that Anne Marie wasn't interested in me ... after almost every time we hung out, she would barely acknowledge that I existed and get on her phone (which would occur after about 3-4 hours of talking where neither of us looked at our phones).  Her body language would change, when she would start interacting with other people.  She almost never hugged me when we left places, but then again that's a bit hard to do when you don't acknowledge that someone exists.  Even one night, when I asked "why aren't we dating?" but just got back a response of "sorry" and nothing more ... which looking back now would've been a great time to brings this up (the whole bit about not being interested and all).  With all these signs that Anne Marie wasn't interested in me, there were just as many (or more) signs that she could've been interested.  We talked about sex lives (definitely out of my comfort zone for a friend), we talked about life goals, we talked about bucket lists, we talked about families, we talked about work, the question of "do you find her attractive?" came up one night, and even helped each other through some life decisions.  Granted, all of that could've just been accomplished as friends ... had this "not interested at all" mantra been brought up in the beginning.  Anne Marie's body language was almost always toward me, even when I tried to be pointed at the bar, we laughed and joked about a lot, and there was always a subtle touch at some point throughout the night.  A hand on an arm or a lower back, or a caressing type of gesture ... just enough to think "maybe?"  An invitation to come to her house, and spend time alone with her and her dog.  We went out to a sporting event, just the two of us, spending some really good time together (which is also something that I've never done with a single friend).  I even had people, that didn't really know either of us, tell me how great we were "together" ... along with others that knew us both and thought we'd be really good together.

At this point, reading through this and even written this all down again, I wonder how I place any real significance on gestures or actions that could be part of anyone else's day to day life.  Maybe this is just Anne Marie's personality, maybe she puts no significance on how she portrays herself, maybe she just doesn't value a close relationship.  Maybe, just maybe, I put significance on actions that I wanted to "see".  Maybe, just maybe, I thought that being open, honest, and vulnerable was the way to show Anne Marie that I was interested in her.  Maybe, just maybe, I thought that I found someone who liked me for who I am and I liked her for who she is.

Ultimately, Anne Marie is gone.  She's too stubborn to ever go back on the "take care" text that was sent.  She's also too stubborn to realize what she's really missing out on.  Amazingly enough, I don't feel any regret that she's gone.  I don't feel like I lost someone that could've been a really good friend.  I don't feel like I lost anything, to be honest.  I actually feel relieved that Anne Marie is gone.  I'm relieved that I don't need to sensor myself around someone, who's so hyper sensitive that someone's "interested in them" when she's obviously not interested in me, that she can get really shitty as a person.  I'm relieved that I can go back to just being alone, without a care of what people think, and I've already moved on (probably once I get this all out of my system).  I have no regrets on how this happened ... I was fully honest and fully open throughout this whole period of time.  It just didn't work out.  Oh well.

PS:  After thinking about this for a full day, and being removed from a couple days ... with the distraction of work and soccer ... I'm more mad now than anything.  I'm mad that I don't get to hang out with Anne Marie anymore.  I became accustomed to having someone to hang out with, and talk, and grab a drink or three, and just be social.  I have saved a shit load of money though, not doing anything.

Saturday, March 17, 2018

“Ready Player Two” thoughts...

I’ve recently finished “Ready Player One”, since a great friend of mine told me that I should read it... and she was very right about that (she knows me pretty well). I've always found it interesting, how futuristic US always seems to be a barren wasteland.  The book does a great job of bringing back the 1980's, and transporting the reader into a imaginary place though ... called the OASIS.  It also does a great job of having a group of friends, become very close and very trusting of each other, without ever meeting each other.  That means that a guy who's really a girl or someone self conscience about their image, can be accepted for who they are ... which is a grand concept in the world we're currently living in.

Now, I've always been a movie before book type of person.  I enjoy each genre for what they are, but seeing the movie allows me to read the book and have some context for where the author wants me to go.  This also allows me to not get sucked into the "book had this, or that, but the movie didn't" type of thought.  I've had this book for awhile now, but the trailers of the upcoming movie really got me interested in reading it... also they gave me some context.  I'm not really going to get much into the book, read it if you'd like.  There are some Ready Player One spoilers, in the remainder of this post, so you've been warned.

With the movie coming out soon, I’m going to drop some thoughts on where Ready Player Two could be going, since Ernest Cline has already confirmed this is going to happen, and why wouldn't it.  The hype train is rolling on in full effect right now.

The last time we see Sorrento, he's being hauled away, accused of murder.  This is where the genius of how this book was closed out, allows for so many holes that a second book could be made.  Sorrento isn't even mad that he's being accused of murder, or that any of this is happening... he just smiles.  It's almost like this is all part of his plan in the first place.  I have a feeling, during Parzival's rise to fame, his sponsorships, and his breaking into IOI ... there's a signed document that gives Sorrento full control of the OASIS, if Parzival found the Easter Egg.  This is where Ready Player Two takes a turn for the worst.  Sorrento, now in control, places his plan in motion, and people are starting to get charged a monthly fee in order to use the OASIS.  Basically, everything that allowed the OASIS to be the escape, for some many people, has now become one more thing that people can no longer afford.  The OASIS quickly becomes a barren wasteland, where only the rich can still be a part of it.  Throughout the number of chapters, while the OASIS is starting to crumble under the greed of Sorrento, the real world is becoming more and more hostile.  Without the sanctuary that so many people use to escape their lives, go to school, or even make money through business ... the world is starting to break into the "haves" versus the "have nots".  Now, I have no idea where Parzival is, throughout this entire process, but I'm assuming that even Sorrento knows that he can't kill off Parzival.  Sorrento got out of murder charges once, but won't be so lucky a second time.  Maybe everyone starts to turn on Parzival, since he's the one you ultimately gave Sorrento control of the OASIS.  Maybe even to the point where Aech, Art3mis, and Shoto turn on Parzival, and he's back to being a loner... without a dream in his heart, without a love of his own

Sorrento and IOI, goes directly to Castle Anorak, and tries to take over everything in the OASIS.  Sorrento gets extremely mad though, when nobody is able to enter Halladay's office, since it was hardcoded that Parzival is the only avatar that can get there.  IOI probably tries for years, to get into Halladay's office, and during this whole time ... Sorrento is getting more and more angry that he's not able to take full control, as more and more people are logging out of the OASIS and not paying for anything.  The entire OASIS is starting to crumble beneath Sorrento's reign.

The OASIS has hit a tipping point, and Parzival finds a way to get back in touch with Aech, Art3mis, and Shoto.  Aech probably never really left, as I feel like she completely trusts Parzival (the only thing that might throw a wrench is this, is if Ernest Cline decides to keep the "girl breaking up friends" theme rolling and Art3mis actually gets in the middle of Aech and Parzival).  This is the moment where Parzival starts to tells his friends, and people that he trusts, that he's the only one that can get into Halladay's office, as that was part of time that nobody else could see.  Parzival comes up with a plan, to get himself back into Halladay's office, so they can take control of the OASIS.  The plan involves getting everyone to log in again.  This is no easy feat however, as everyone is starting to let the OASIS fall to the wayside.  But, like that last time the OASIS was going to be taken away from the people, everyone joins together to fight against Sorrento and IOI.

At this point, everyone is fighting for one purpose ... to take down Sorrento.  In order to coordinate this whole attack, the group is probably back at Og's Mansion together.  There's a massive fight, on all sides of the ledger ... everyone fighting against the massive forces of the IOI Corporation.  Through using new artifacts, that Parzival didn't even know were in his arsenal, Parzival is able to fight his way into Halladay's office.  Once in the office, Parzival takes some time to think through his decision, however ultimately decides that pressing the "Big Red Button" is the way to go.  As Sorrento realizes that everything he's worked for, is slipping from his grasp, he gets very desperate.  Ultimately, some past decisions come back to fall on Sorrento, and without something like "control of the OASIS", he's no longer able to get past them.  Samantha and Wade get back to being in love, and everyone lives happily ever after.

With all that being said, who knows where Ernest Cline will go with 'Ready Player Two' ... I don't know how a third book comes out of this, but I've been wrong in the past and I'll be wrong again in the future.  I think it'll be fun to see where this is all going though.  I'm looking forward to going and seeing the movie, once it's out.

Friday, January 19, 2018

2018... it’s my year of change

Well... 2018 started a lot like 2017 ended. Some uncertainty, as I was wondering if Carolyn had actually stopped talking to me or was just consumed with being at her parent’s (spoiler alert: she stopped talked to me), and wondering how people would take that I was getting a new job. This is only the third employer that I’ll have (full time and not including all the other jobs I’ve had), and the first time that I left on my terms. This job is what I should be, as I move to 40, and a big raise while I’m in my prime money making years. It’s an opportunity that I have to take, for me, but I’m leaving behind a bunch of people that I really like. This is possibly the biggest change the biggest change that I’ll have all year, and it’s happenjng in February.

Some other small changes, that I’ve already started are:

  • Getting a new mattress and upgrading to a queen sized bed
  • Bagging up a bunch of clothes and donating them
  • Cleaning out the basement, to get prepared to finish it
  • Upgrading  to iPhone X
  • Ending my refereeing career
Some other changes that are planned for this year:
  • Finishing the basement (bathroom, bar, studio space, etc.)
  • Buying a new car
  • Travel to see some soccer
What you won’t see here is finding someone to date. I’ve all but given up on that. If something happens, then great, but it seems like a waste of time to me... when I have some many changes planned to make me better, my house better, or just to make me happy. I’ve always seen myself as being single into my 40’s anyway, so now is just the time to bug a Porchse for myself... I guess.