Tuesday, May 24, 2016

Giving Up...

I always wondered how someone could get to the point where they decided that looking for love was no longer worth it... that they were giving up. Finding someone to love and live your life with is one of the fundamental blocks of living life to the fullest, right?

I've reached the point where I'm giving up, and I'll tell you why. I no longer enjoy the process... I no longer believe that I'm better off with someone else... I no longer believe that I will find someone that I can live my life with. I'm giving up.

It's sad and somewhat liberating. I was spending multiple hours on dating apps, and had 10 different apps on my phone at the same time. Many of which I would "match" with girls who never talked to me, or go out on a first date and never go anywhere farther than that. I've dated girls here and there throughout my life, but ultimately it was never anything really worth it. Fuck, I spent more time trying to get away from girls that thought I should be interested in them, no knowing that the whole time I felt like my energy was being sapped by their needy personalities.

So, I'm giving up on love and I'll live my life how I want to... hanging out with my friends, traveling the world, and playing golf. Bye.

Monday, September 8, 2014

Tinder... It's a joke, right?

So, I've been on Tinder for a little while now. I was having a hard time finding a girl that would actually give me a chance. I've had some girls that have used me in order to not be alone, and other girls that seemed pretty interested until someone better came along, but at the end of the day... nobody that I really connected with outside of the occasional hook up or a random sporting event. So I tried out three dating apps and maybe this is my own fault because they're all free. I can't even say that Tinder, or any online dating for that matter, is entirely bad. I know plenty of success stories from online dating... it must just be the girls that I meet or more than likely, it's just me.

Here are my experiences with online dating services:

1) Tara... cute enough and a nice smile. We went out for food and a drink or two, walked around for a bit, and even got ice cream together. I talked to her once afterward and never heard back from her again.

2) Courtney... cute too and was "working on herself". We had dinner at an Italian place and had great conversation. I guess working on herself meant she didn't have time to talk to me.

3) Michelle... cute but lived an hour and a half away. I'm not really sure how we even matched up, but we had some really fun text conversations over the draft weekend and set up going to a baseball game. The day of the game came though, and she never showed up. So I went by myself, took some pictures, and talked to some minor league scouts. All in all, this tuned into a great Minor League Baseball bit for the Face Off Hockey Show, so I'm not even that mad.

4) Trysten... really cute smile and great eyes, she seemed like she actually had her life together and we'd talked for 2 hours already on the phone. This "date" was probably over before it started though. We had fun at a dockside bar, talked for awhile, and at the end of the night got a handshake and a "thanks". I knew it wasn't going well when she referred to how she "lived with her ex" on multiple occasions.

Those were just the girls that I matched up with and set something up to meet in person. More times than not, I just never hear back from the girl or we talk for a bit and then she's gone. Since Trysten, it's actually gotten far worse. I've matched with some randomly cute girls and then never heard back from them at all. I figure that, if after a week, I haven't heard from you at all then you're probably not interested in me or your friends matched me when you were drunk at the bar. The topper was last night though, Nellie. She's a cute girl but nothing overly attractive and certainly not out of my league. I sent one message and got something back, however once I got up this morning it was gone and I had been unmatched. I guess this little girl really needed someone to talk to her last night. 

What a joke.

I think I'm going to continue with updates: 

1) Jessica... Beautiful smile and a 35 year old IT Project Manager from Virginia. We talked for about 5 messages before I'm guessing that she decided 1 hour was way too far away for her to travel. I'm guessing because Jessica didn't even have the courtesy to tell me what happened. She asked what I did over the weekend and once I mentioned Baltimore then I was unmatched before I got back into the app.

2) Tally of Girls that never even respond is up to 15 now, since I started the updates section. It's actually worse on Hinge, where I'm not sure I've ever had a girl respond to me. At least there's a "match" though, right.

3) Jennifer... Cute girl and seemed like she could've been fun. I wasn't overly attracted to her, but she was certainly cute. Well Jennifer wanted to meet up but didn't want to give me her phone number... instead it was a good old email address. I emailed her and never heard back.

4) Now I'm starting to get spam on Tinder too. Glad that I've gotten at least 5 porn sites that want to match up with me. That's good for the confidence.

5) Mary... Interesting, cute, amazing smile and stepped right up with the confidence to start the conversation. We had a good conversation about music and concerts, but like everything else... it fizzled out and she stopped talking to me.

Who sees a trend here? Since I'm the only constant in this equation, I can only assume it's me... right? I do understand though, most (if not all of these girls) are out of my league, but I'll keep trying until I get a chance with one of those "out of my league" girls. I feel like once I get a chance, then maybe... just maybe... I can get someone to stick around.

6) Tiffany... Darn, is all I can say. She's my age, attractive, really smart and I thought our hour and half conversation over brunch was pretty nice. Tiffany was certainly out of my league, but our time together ended with her mentioning that she'd like to meet up again. Come to find out that just isn't the case, and she's not interested in me. She was very truthful about it though, actually texted me to tell me this, and I kindof appreciated this girl. She's amazing, but just ending up being too far out of my league.

7) Tiffany might be the last match I get... it's been over a month since I marched with any girls online.

8) My new experiment has turned Tinder into a collection of the cute girls that are still available in the area. It's becoming an optimistic view at the app. The most interesting piece is actually matching. I've tried this with every girl recently, and it continues to work... we talk for maybe a day or two, and then I get busy and don't send anything back. I've yet to have a girl send me anything without me initiating the conversation. There are plenty of cute girls out there however this "online dating" bit just confirms that I'm quite comfortable being by myself.

9) Ok... I'll say that Hinge worked this time. Erin was amazingly cute and we actually dated for 3 months. All in all, things didn't work out past the summer... Be it soccer season and my lack of time, or that we were two very different people, or that the only things we really ever did involved drinking and sex... it just didn't keep going. Erin changed pretty quickly and even accused me of "playing games". Oh well, I can say this time, online dating actually worked out.

10) Since Erin, I'm back in the rut of girls that match on a dating site and then never talk to me. It seems like it's back to being the same old shit.

11) Jennifer... Another girl on Hinge, which is far better at finding real people and girls that I find attractive than Tinder. I was insanely nervous as soon as she walked in... Jennifer might be the first girl in the history of online dating who was more attractive in real life than in the profile pictures. Awesome personality, likes sports, country music, lived in the city, owned her own house... the list goes on and on. I tried a text or so after the date, with no response back, but Jennifer is a super cool girl that was maybe a bit too far out of my league.

12) As an aside now, I've found a new dating app called Happn... it uses you phone gps, which tracks you anyway, you see if you cross paths with cute girls on a day to day basis. No real interactions have occurred yet, but it seems promising and the girls there are real people. I'll try this out, and maybe it'll get me out of the house to find people.

13) I don't believe 13 is an unlucky number, but this time it is. Kelli is super cute, smart, and is pretty much what I'd look for in someone to date. I thought we even had a really good date... trying each other's food and the beers that was got. 90 minutes went by without even thinking about it, but when I asked her out again... we quickly became "friends". I really don't have a clue what happened here and I'm actually kind of hurt some. I'm starting to believe that I'm closer and closer to just buying a sports car and calling it a day. I do find it very weird that I've never really had any girl interested in me that I was also interested in.

Wednesday, June 4, 2014

101 List... Revisited

So, I have my 101 List (it's on here toward the beginning of the blog) printed out and hanging in my cube at work. It's something that I see every day and it's something that others ask questions about. Those questions normally spur me on to continue accomplishing goals that I've set out for my life or to tell some great stories of goals that I've already accomplished in my life... and those are both good things.

Recently though, I had someone come over and kindof scoff at the "Family Matters" section of my 101 List... The first section... The top section, if you will. 

And it got me to thinking... Could I actually be happy with my life, knowing that I accomplished many of the goals that I set for myself, without ever falling in love and never having a family of my own?

This kindof goes back to the run I've had thinking about what my legacy could be (another post, and yes, I realize "thinking too much" will be my reason for death). I've thought about my legacy, and decided that I can create a quite good legacy for myself, just by being who I am, and by taking pictures of people or places that are dear to my friends and family. And then giving those pictures to them as gifts. Seeing life through the lens of a Nikon has some tremendous advantages, and I'm currently in many of my friend's house. So, I'm not exactly concerned with my legacy actually. I believe I'm on the right path and I believe that I'll be able to create a lasting legacy without ever having children or a family of my own creation.

But this question about happiness is different than the question about a legacy. It's actually quite scary. I'll need to sit down and reflect on happiness for a bit. I know, for a fact, that I'm not fully happy right now. My job is going really well, and I'm working myself back down to my playing weight, but I'm not happy. I'm not happy that I don't have someone to care about, to share life with, to think about, or to just be together. I had such an amazing night, with the USMNT win over Ghana in the World Cup. Almost a perfect night maybe... well except for the fact that I had no girl to share my joy with... nobody that I could just fully show how amazingly happy I was that night. So maybe I can't have a fulfilling life without finding love? I'm not sure honestly...

Thursday, May 22, 2014

Disappointment is becoming normal...

Oh well... I saw this coming, honestly it's been coming for months now, but it doesn't mean I feel any better about it.  I had gotten back the confidence to ask someone to hang out again... someone who lives on the other side of the world. Last year, this weekend was a pretty awesome weekend watching the Monaco Grand Prix with a girl that I fully appreciated as a person and actually made time to see and talk to. A girl that I set up my phone to ring and wake me in the middle of the night, if she ever needed me for anything. A girl that I would've moved to Australia to be with and seriously started talking to recruiters about PeopleSoft projects in Melbourne. A year ago... Seems like such a long time, as now this weekend she doesn't even have enough time to send a tweet back to me, or better yet doesn't care enough to make time. I knew it would be like this when you're dealing with a young kid... I mean, I haven't gotten a single thing from Australia that I was promised. No Fred Melbourne Heart jersey, no handmade beanie hat, no media guide from the Australia National Road Race, and no photo book of pictures that she took when she was younger. And I haven't really heard anything since I was dropped last fall, once she got out of the funk she was in throughout the year. I should've been prepared for disappointment... I should've known this was coming... I should've stopped caring quite awhile ago.

So, as of this morning, I've decided that I just don't have time for her anymore.  I've stopped following or muted most all of the social media that she puts out there.  At the end of the day, most of what she tweets or puts on Facebook is only there to garner attention anyway.  She's basically what Laura was, when Laura had a fan club telling her how amazing she was.

I feel like I've lost someone that I was really close with though.  I mean fuck, we spent most of July together last summer ... watching the Tour de France, listening to podcasts together, or talking to each other and getting to know each other on a different level.  All in all, I did a lot for this girl last year, to help her out of whatever funk she had landed on in the beginning of the year, and for all that help I've got nothing to show for it for it now.  Not even a friend with even enough time to sit down and watch an hour of F1 qualifying... something that's timed and only lasts that long.

It's not even that I was expecting anything... just maybe a friend that seemed to care about me.  Oh well, the time I had with her was pretty awesome, and she's a girl that actually gets me.  It's going to be tough for me to not care about her at all, but out of sight/out of mind ... right? I hope she pulls things together and finally realizes how cool she is and that she doesn't need all these people to tell her she's great ... hell, at some point all the people will be gone, just ask Laura, she knows better than anyone.  It'll be nice though when she realizes what she's lost.  I always envision girls moving on past me, and looking back at some point in their lives... during their bullshit marriages, or the bullshit relationships with the "perfect guy or girl", only to realize that I was the best person in their life and they just let me go.

Sunday, February 9, 2014

Oh well... I tried

I truly believe it's time to go back into the shell that I have. Being open works to a point, but then I just get rejected and people act like nothing happened. Maybe the people that are close to me really don't want me to open up to them or really don't want to be close to me. Maybe my life is just to be there and help them. It really seems like every time I truly open up and start letting people see who I am and what I like, they start to pull away and I end up alone and questioning life again. The best course of action might be to just stay in my shell and never open up. It might be the only way to actually date a girl and try to move on with my life.

Monday, January 13, 2014

England Trip

Well... another year and another trip to see some of my great friends that are in different places around the world.  Last year I saw Sasky in Australia and this year headed off to see Phil, Anna, and Michael in England.  They certainly took care of my throughout the week and a bit, and we had a great time.

Just like last year, here are some bulletpoint highlights:
  • I literally got the last Stoke City padded jacket, in the store, and it just so happened to be Medium and fit perfectly. It's amazingly cozy.
  • Ended up buying mostly soccer gear as souvenirs for this trip: a Stoke padded jacket, a Stoke flag, a Stoke beanie hat, an Olympiakos FC jersey, an AEK Athens jersey, and a neon green beanie hat at Poundtown.
  • Closed out an amazing 2 dart 48 (single 20, double 14) to win the InterContinental Darts Championship 2 legs to 1.
  • Walked alone, The Beatles Story, all the Museums, and getting Fish and Chips in Liverpool.
  • Had Chinese for dinner and watched 'The Life of Brian' and 'Walk Hard' on NYE, then watched the fireworks from London.
  • Went to see Stoke City v Everton, on New Years Day, a 1-1 draw for my first ever EPL game.
  • I got my ass handed to me in Tiger Woods '07, although I did get a hole in one over the week.
  • Talked to Carly, quite a cute check out girl, at Morrisons on a couple of our trips to the super market.
  • Got a late night Friday phone call, that my flight home was cancelled. Stayed an extra night at Phil and Anna's and then stayed a night near the Manchester Airport for a night.
  • Food: Mexican (chili and tostitos) Chinese (duck vermicelli and prawn fried rice), Italy (pizza), England (fish and chips, proper British breakfast, pork pie), American (hamburger and fries), Turkey (chicken kabobs), Greece (pork skewers), Indian (curry), Portuguese (Nando's Piri Piri style chicken)
  • Beer: Peru, England, USA, Italy, Belgium, Japan, Ireland.
  • Movies: 'The Life of Brian', 'Walk Hard', 'The Other Guys', 'Catch Me If You Can', 'Rush', 'About Time', 'The World's End', 'Despicable Me 2'.

Monday, December 9, 2013

Safe haven

So, I find this place, my own little piece of the internet, to be the safest place to say what I think and actually have the thought that someone might see it.  It's safe because nobody reads this piece of shit blog that I put together, and it's honestly easier for me that way.  I do have a little notebook that holds the secrets of my life ... if anyone ever got to reading through that, they would most certainly look at me in a different light.  The only reason I say that is that things can't stay there.  It's worthless for me to write notes to myself because I'm always so critical of the things that I do and the things that I think.  This note to myself will be out in the open because I'm tired of continually beating myself up for being me.  The irony is that it'll be completely about the question of why I open myself up at all.

I guess the real title of this should've been "Why do I open myself up and be vulnerable?"  I loath the fact that I'm so introverted, and that nobody really knows who I am ... myself included in that most times.  Apparently I'm doing quite well at wearing masks and being a chameleon though because I have people at work that actually think I'm outgoing ... wouldn't they be surprised if they knew the truth.  The reason I ask the above question is that I've been trying, throughout this entire year, to become more open and to tell people more of what I feel in my heart.  Less of what I'm thinking about and how I convey the best possible message ... the message of least resistance for me.  The problem though is the people I want to be most open with, are also the people that shut down when I tell them the truth or when I compliment them.  So, why do I open myself up at all, if inevitably it'll end up in the people I hold close just pulling away from me?  Maybe it's not "people" persee, maybe it's just one girl, in a world full of girls ... but my God she means so much to me and the fact there are other girls in the world doesn't mean much.  I've tried really hard this year ... I've read books upon books (Calling in The One, Daring Greatly, Take the Stairs, Open, The Introvert Advantage) in order to get my head and my heart aligned, but it just plain hasn't worked out.  At least it doesn't seem to be working for me right now.  This past week, this is honestly a conversation I had  ... "Why are you awake right now?" ... my response was "I was thinking about you" ... "oh."  At that very moment, the only feeling I have going through my body is regret and how absolutely stupid I am.  Regret for opening myself up again and saying what was in my heart.  Stupid because I knew, in my head, it was the wrong thing to say out loud.  I knew I should've just not told her the truth, like I often do ... so to not push her away, but I didn't and I don't know why I didn't.  After a bit of silence, I changed the subject, and moved onto something else, but the damage was already done.  It doesn't help me though, I can't move on to something else.  I only think about that one specific moment over and over again and read that one interaction over and over again, and I get to this point of questioning why I even open myself up in the first place... why I even try anymore.  Everything I've read this year points to being open and honest and vulnerable in order to find someone to be very close with, someone to love ... someone that actually sees who you are and likes that person, when the rest of the world doesn't care to stop and get to know you at all.  Maybe I've found the wrong person.  Maybe I've created my whole world around someone who doesn't want to get to know me at all.  I'm not really sure.  All I know is that I'm destroying myself by trying too hard and caring too much, but that's really the only way I know.  I guess it comes from a wrestler's mentality of being 'all in'.  I know that my body can do far more than my mind believes I can do ... I've pushed myself to my limits and then pushed myself farther.  I don't know if my head can get out of the way of my heart though ... or better yet, if maybe my head is possibly just protecting my heart.

I'll probably end up deleting this whole thing, once I get around to thinking it through and realizing that this isn't something that anyone wants to hear from me. I can't even quantify the number of emails I write, rewrite, and ultimately delete without ever sending them to anyone.  Plus there's that off chance that someone could read this and that I could end up hurting the one person I don't ever want to hurt because I've used an honest example.  I'm supposed to be the strong one ... the one that people come to in order to talk through things ... the one that helps others through their lives ... the one that tells other people just how great they are and that I believe in them (even if they ultimately think I'm full of shit).  I'd just like to have an amazing girl that I can show who I am, and be completely truthful with... without getting a response of "oh."