Wednesday, October 10, 2018

A step early...

I’ll start this off by saying that I’m quite happy right now. I have a bunch of good friends, that actually look out for me, invite me places, and I’ve never felt more comfortable being alone. I still have this one, albeit very random, event that sits over my head... I’m always the “step” that takes a girl from being insecure or doubting themselves to being in a long term relationship and getting married.

Ok, always is hyperbole... I think it’s around 85 to 90 percent of the girls that I’ve dated/hooked up with, have moved on and found someone shortly after. I’m not saying this to mention that I’m great, or something like that, more to the contrary. I wonder why this keeps happening. What do I do so wrong?

I ask that question often... to myself, to girls that are either friends or aren’t friends... because I feel like I’m the only constant in everything. I have to be doing something wrong, if I can’t work out how to date someone, but the next guy can or at the very least gets a shot.

I need to figure out what I do wrong. I need to do some introspection. But until then, I’ll just work on being comfortable with who I am, and be ok being alone... it’s the only way I can be happy.

Friday, July 27, 2018

Losing a good friend

It’s interesting losing someone that you were close to, at some point of your life... wether it was for years or months, this was someone you could honestly says “knows more about me than I ever tell anyone else”.

I’m a reserved person. Some would call it calculated even. I tell you what I want you to hear, nothing more and nothing less. There are just some people, in this world, that I become very close to... very open with... and that rule about telling you what I want you to hear, goes right out the window. These are the people that I consider close, and I have a feeling that I’m starting to lose them.

There aren’t a lot of people I’m close to. It like the X-men maybe, they’re out there but people don’t know who they are. I’ve been close to less than 5 people in my life, give or take a little. So, it’s a bit sad when those people end up leaving. Granted, when they come back... we talk like nothing ever happened, but the in between time makes me feel like they’re gone. Nobody to talk to. Nobody to share the good things with. Nobody that really cares.

This has happened twice recently. Someone I’ve been friends with for 10+ years at this point, has just stopped. Not even a ‘happy birthday’ note on Facebook. It is what it is... she was always more into herself than anyone else in her life. But really? Maybe I just ended up being a dog sitter for half of the time, after she got married and had kids. The more recent one was someone I got close to quickly and someone who left just as quickly. I’m never one to allow someone to set plans and then never contact me. So, it sucks, but go fuck yourself. This was someone that I had a lot of fun with though, and someone that could’ve been someone really close to me. Gone in a flash, and at no real fault of my own.

All in all, I’m a very reserved person. I have a ton of friends... that know this or know that about me, mostly it’s all what I want people to know. Some people are closer than that, but not many. Some people are father away, and someone that I go “I’m pretty certain I played soccer with her at some point”. At the end of the day though, it’s kindof sad when someone I was close to moves on. I don’t know if that seat at the round table should be filled, or left vacant. I don’t know if anyone would even come to be part of that group even. Finding someone to be close to might’ve even passed me by... like so many other people have. 

All the people that moved on with their lives, and no longer have a place for me... the single guy.

PS: I’m certain that I blame online dating for letting things like “ghosting” become mainstream and acceptable. Shit like this allows people to move on, without being a decent human being in the slightest, and believe that nothing is wrong with their behavior.

Sunday, May 20, 2018

"Seeing things" ...

I'm not even sure that anyone reads anything I put here ... to be honest, it would be far better if nobody ever knew about this.  This is my own, personal, part of the internet.  I can say what I'm thinking, I can be totality honest, and I can say it without looking like some whack job with a journal when I die.  Only time will tell if this really is my personal Oasis.

Onto the topic at hand though ... I'll begin with a little story.  Working with people, is normally where you can find your wife or girlfriend, really good friend, someone to cheat with, etc.  These are the people that you inevitably spend the most of your awake hours with.  When you've known someone for 2 or 3 years, you start to think that you know them pretty well.  So well, that you walk up to them and give them your number, as you're leaving the job, to grab a drink and a bite to eat sometime.  Maybe that's where the problem comes from, there's a perception that you "know someone", but many people are very different in work than they are out of work.  Let's take my example, we'll call her "Anne Marie".  I knew Anne Marie pretty well from work, I thought so, well enough to ask her to come out with friends and hang out on Friday evenings (even some Saturday evenings) for drinks and dinner.  Three months of this back and forth occurs, until one day Anne Marie meets a bunch of my friends, who are quite smitten with her and hoping that we are dating.  All fuck breaks loose from there, and Anne Marie becomes pretty hostile and quite shitty as a person.  Ultimately, this "whatever it really was" with Anne Marie falls into a place where her running away is her best option, since she "never showed me that she was interested."

But ... is that really the truth or maybe that she's not used to guys that actually notice things?

This is where "seeing things" comes into play.  In retrospect, I should've just asked in the beginning, but I was too scared to be rejected right off the hop, and never get to hang out with Anne Marie at all.  It's also not like Anne Marie was so attractive or so popular that I should've never thought that she could be interested in me.  Anne Marie is actually right in the section of girls that I think could be interested in me.  She's cute, but not attractive, she's smart, but not overly intellectual ... literally, if I described someone that I could be with for a very long time, Anne Marie would be that girl.  Still, part of me knew there was never a chance that she would be interested anyway, but that's the part of me that I've been trying to suppress ... it's time to give things a try, time to be optimistic going in, and time to not have regrets in the end for not going after someone I would want to date.  Being an introvert, and being able to notice surroundings becomes a very good trait to have and a very bad trait to have, all at the same time.  I noticed things like body language, tones in her voice, what we talked about, how she interacted with people, when she wanted to 'hang out', and even the use of exclamations points in texts.  I noticed a lot.  Sure, there were definitely signs that pointed to the fact that Anne Marie wasn't interested in me ... after almost every time we hung out, she would barely acknowledge that I existed and get on her phone (which would occur after about 3-4 hours of talking where neither of us looked at our phones).  Her body language would change, when she would start interacting with other people.  She almost never hugged me when we left places, but then again that's a bit hard to do when you don't acknowledge that someone exists.  Even one night, when I asked "why aren't we dating?" but just got back a response of "sorry" and nothing more ... which looking back now would've been a great time to brings this up (the whole bit about not being interested and all).  With all these signs that Anne Marie wasn't interested in me, there were just as many (or more) signs that she could've been interested.  We talked about sex lives (definitely out of my comfort zone for a friend), we talked about life goals, we talked about bucket lists, we talked about families, we talked about work, the question of "do you find her attractive?" came up one night, and even helped each other through some life decisions.  Granted, all of that could've just been accomplished as friends ... had this "not interested at all" mantra been brought up in the beginning.  Anne Marie's body language was almost always toward me, even when I tried to be pointed at the bar, we laughed and joked about a lot, and there was always a subtle touch at some point throughout the night.  A hand on an arm or a lower back, or a caressing type of gesture ... just enough to think "maybe?"  An invitation to come to her house, and spend time alone with her and her dog.  We went out to a sporting event, just the two of us, spending some really good time together (which is also something that I've never done with a single friend).  I even had people, that didn't really know either of us, tell me how great we were "together" ... along with others that knew us both and thought we'd be really good together.

At this point, reading through this and even written this all down again, I wonder how I place any real significance on gestures or actions that could be part of anyone else's day to day life.  Maybe this is just Anne Marie's personality, maybe she puts no significance on how she portrays herself, maybe she just doesn't value a close relationship.  Maybe, just maybe, I put significance on actions that I wanted to "see".  Maybe, just maybe, I thought that being open, honest, and vulnerable was the way to show Anne Marie that I was interested in her.  Maybe, just maybe, I thought that I found someone who liked me for who I am and I liked her for who she is.

Ultimately, Anne Marie is gone.  She's too stubborn to ever go back on the "take care" text that was sent.  She's also too stubborn to realize what she's really missing out on.  Amazingly enough, I don't feel any regret that she's gone.  I don't feel like I lost someone that could've been a really good friend.  I don't feel like I lost anything, to be honest.  I actually feel relieved that Anne Marie is gone.  I'm relieved that I don't need to sensor myself around someone, who's so hyper sensitive that someone's "interested in them" when she's obviously not interested in me, that she can get really shitty as a person.  I'm relieved that I can go back to just being alone, without a care of what people think, and I've already moved on (probably once I get this all out of my system).  I have no regrets on how this happened ... I was fully honest and fully open throughout this whole period of time.  It just didn't work out.  Oh well.

PS:  After thinking about this for a full day, and being removed from a couple days ... with the distraction of work and soccer ... I'm more mad now than anything.  I'm mad that I don't get to hang out with Anne Marie anymore.  I became accustomed to having someone to hang out with, and talk, and grab a drink or three, and just be social.  I have saved a shit load of money though, not doing anything.

Saturday, March 17, 2018

“Ready Player Two” thoughts...

I’ve recently finished “Ready Player One”, since a great friend of mine told me that I should read it... and she was very right about that (she knows me pretty well). I've always found it interesting, how futuristic US always seems to be a barren wasteland.  The book does a great job of bringing back the 1980's, and transporting the reader into a imaginary place though ... called the OASIS.  It also does a great job of having a group of friends, become very close and very trusting of each other, without ever meeting each other.  That means that a guy who's really a girl or someone self conscience about their image, can be accepted for who they are ... which is a grand concept in the world we're currently living in.

Now, I've always been a movie before book type of person.  I enjoy each genre for what they are, but seeing the movie allows me to read the book and have some context for where the author wants me to go.  This also allows me to not get sucked into the "book had this, or that, but the movie didn't" type of thought.  I've had this book for awhile now, but the trailers of the upcoming movie really got me interested in reading it... also they gave me some context.  I'm not really going to get much into the book, read it if you'd like.  There are some Ready Player One spoilers, in the remainder of this post, so you've been warned.

With the movie coming out soon, I’m going to drop some thoughts on where Ready Player Two could be going, since Ernest Cline has already confirmed this is going to happen, and why wouldn't it.  The hype train is rolling on in full effect right now.

The last time we see Sorrento, he's being hauled away, accused of murder.  This is where the genius of how this book was closed out, allows for so many holes that a second book could be made.  Sorrento isn't even mad that he's being accused of murder, or that any of this is happening... he just smiles.  It's almost like this is all part of his plan in the first place.  I have a feeling, during Parzival's rise to fame, his sponsorships, and his breaking into IOI ... there's a signed document that gives Sorrento full control of the OASIS, if Parzival found the Easter Egg.  This is where Ready Player Two takes a turn for the worst.  Sorrento, now in control, places his plan in motion, and people are starting to get charged a monthly fee in order to use the OASIS.  Basically, everything that allowed the OASIS to be the escape, for some many people, has now become one more thing that people can no longer afford.  The OASIS quickly becomes a barren wasteland, where only the rich can still be a part of it.  Throughout the number of chapters, while the OASIS is starting to crumble under the greed of Sorrento, the real world is becoming more and more hostile.  Without the sanctuary that so many people use to escape their lives, go to school, or even make money through business ... the world is starting to break into the "haves" versus the "have nots".  Now, I have no idea where Parzival is, throughout this entire process, but I'm assuming that even Sorrento knows that he can't kill off Parzival.  Sorrento got out of murder charges once, but won't be so lucky a second time.  Maybe everyone starts to turn on Parzival, since he's the one you ultimately gave Sorrento control of the OASIS.  Maybe even to the point where Aech, Art3mis, and Shoto turn on Parzival, and he's back to being a loner... without a dream in his heart, without a love of his own

Sorrento and IOI, goes directly to Castle Anorak, and tries to take over everything in the OASIS.  Sorrento gets extremely mad though, when nobody is able to enter Halladay's office, since it was hardcoded that Parzival is the only avatar that can get there.  IOI probably tries for years, to get into Halladay's office, and during this whole time ... Sorrento is getting more and more angry that he's not able to take full control, as more and more people are logging out of the OASIS and not paying for anything.  The entire OASIS is starting to crumble beneath Sorrento's reign.

The OASIS has hit a tipping point, and Parzival finds a way to get back in touch with Aech, Art3mis, and Shoto.  Aech probably never really left, as I feel like she completely trusts Parzival (the only thing that might throw a wrench is this, is if Ernest Cline decides to keep the "girl breaking up friends" theme rolling and Art3mis actually gets in the middle of Aech and Parzival).  This is the moment where Parzival starts to tells his friends, and people that he trusts, that he's the only one that can get into Halladay's office, as that was part of time that nobody else could see.  Parzival comes up with a plan, to get himself back into Halladay's office, so they can take control of the OASIS.  The plan involves getting everyone to log in again.  This is no easy feat however, as everyone is starting to let the OASIS fall to the wayside.  But, like that last time the OASIS was going to be taken away from the people, everyone joins together to fight against Sorrento and IOI.

At this point, everyone is fighting for one purpose ... to take down Sorrento.  In order to coordinate this whole attack, the group is probably back at Og's Mansion together.  There's a massive fight, on all sides of the ledger ... everyone fighting against the massive forces of the IOI Corporation.  Through using new artifacts, that Parzival didn't even know were in his arsenal, Parzival is able to fight his way into Halladay's office.  Once in the office, Parzival takes some time to think through his decision, however ultimately decides that pressing the "Big Red Button" is the way to go.  As Sorrento realizes that everything he's worked for, is slipping from his grasp, he gets very desperate.  Ultimately, some past decisions come back to fall on Sorrento, and without something like "control of the OASIS", he's no longer able to get past them.  Samantha and Wade get back to being in love, and everyone lives happily ever after.

With all that being said, who knows where Ernest Cline will go with 'Ready Player Two' ... I don't know how a third book comes out of this, but I've been wrong in the past and I'll be wrong again in the future.  I think it'll be fun to see where this is all going though.  I'm looking forward to going and seeing the movie, once it's out.

Friday, January 19, 2018

2018... it’s my year of change

Well... 2018 started a lot like 2017 ended. Some uncertainty, as I was wondering if Carolyn had actually stopped talking to me or was just consumed with being at her parent’s (spoiler alert: she stopped talked to me), and wondering how people would take that I was getting a new job. This is only the third employer that I’ll have (full time and not including all the other jobs I’ve had), and the first time that I left on my terms. This job is what I should be, as I move to 40, and a big raise while I’m in my prime money making years. It’s an opportunity that I have to take, for me, but I’m leaving behind a bunch of people that I really like. This is possibly the biggest change the biggest change that I’ll have all year, and it’s happenjng in February.

Some other small changes, that I’ve already started are:

  • Getting a new mattress and upgrading to a queen sized bed
  • Bagging up a bunch of clothes and donating them
  • Cleaning out the basement, to get prepared to finish it
  • Upgrading  to iPhone X
  • Ending my refereeing career
Some other changes that are planned for this year:
  • Finishing the basement (bathroom, bar, studio space, etc.)
  • Buying a new car
  • Travel to see some soccer
What you won’t see here is finding someone to date. I’ve all but given up on that. If something happens, then great, but it seems like a waste of time to me... when I have some many changes planned to make me better, my house better, or just to make me happy. I’ve always seen myself as being single into my 40’s anyway, so now is just the time to bug a Porchse for myself... I guess.

Monday, September 11, 2017

What can happen in two weeks?

What can really occur within a fortnight ... it doesn't really seem like that long of a period of time, but in retrospect it could really be an eternity.  The myriad of emotions are interesting ... excitement, butterflies, fear, shock, being comfortable, open, disappointment, anger, sadness, etc.  Even though I felt prepared for the fall, I don't think I really was prepared for how it happened.

In a high level ... last couple weeks:

* Matching and talking to Leslie through Tinder
* Meeting Leslie in Boise for the day
* Talking and texting and facetime-ing Leslie once I got home
* Helping Leslie through interactions and a date with Zach, that seems to have kicked off their relationship

I'll start by saying that I don't even know why I matched with Leslie.  She's super cute, great smile, seemed like a good personality, active ... from her pictures and write up ... but has two children, and is very out going.  That's normally something I tend to stay away from.  Before I had even thought it all through though, we had matched.  I'm guessing my heart won out over my head this time or that I was in a different city and had nothing to lose or maybe it was just meant to be or maybe someone just knew that we would need each other for a little bit of time.  Our date in Boise was amazing, and that doesn't even explain it fully.  I'm pretty certain Leslie is the mayor of Boise, or is the President of the Tourism Board, she just knows everyone in that city.  When things started out, I was pretty nervous, which apparently seemed to show quickly, but ultimately I calmed down once we got to talking and walking and exploring and hiking and everything else we got into that day.  About 6 hours later, or so, I was walking back into my hotel ... room keys missing and all ... to reflect on the day, and head to sleep for a 3:30am wake up to fly home.  Part of me thought that was probably the end.  Much like other women, mostly ones in the area, I have a good time, she seems to have a good time, and I never hear from them again.  I don't remember who texted who first, but it wasn't the end ... it was most certainly not the end.

All in all, the last two weeks have been amazing. I’ve never met a woman that I’ve been that excited to talk to, to see, to "be around" (through the internet) however something was always a bit off... was it that she has two children? was it that she’s so far away? I don’t think that I’ll ever really know, since being really nice has turned a relationship into a friendship. Normally people try to do that the other way around... my way seems like pulling defeat from the jaws of victory. Like I said though, it was never really all together, right?!  Or maybe that's how I'm trying to spin this to myself, to not feel like I'm missing out on something.  Leslie felt more like I was always talking to someone I’d known forever ... not someone I just met on a random dating app.

I’m not really as open of a person, as I was with Leslie, and the distance has to work into that. I really had nothing to lose being open and showing myself... or did I? I acted like I had nothing to lose because I was helping her with Zach and she was helping me with Katie. I did have something to lost though... Leslie. Ultimately Katie has never been interested in me, something that I thought I saw pretty clearly, but when everyone else believed they saw something that I was missing then you start to wonder.  So, the entire time I wasn’t so much working toward Katie, but actually away from Leslie. Was I scared that it could be right ... that it could work out? Am I scared of being in a relationship... with the ability to let people down or have someone want to be with me when I just want to sleep or have someone that wants to talk to me when I really just want to be alone? Something has to be wrong with the way I connect the dots and how I think through everything.  I have to be getting in my own way somehow ... something has to be holding me back... but what, I don't see it?  (Edit: Here's the part where I say that I probably do see it, but have no idea how to change it)

In the end, the last two weeks have been amazing. I found someone that I could be completely me with... who didn’t judge me, who didn’t label me, and who didn’t try to change me (ok, Leslie tried to change me some). Plus, she knows radio! What a fantastic added plus, that could help out the hockey show and make us better in the future. Even after all this though, and even though I mention things not being completely right, and even so much that I had prepared for this ending.  I’m sad... not so much heartbroken, but more disappointed. Had I acted differently if she lived in DC? Would I have been more closed, and never gotten to this point?  Would I have fought more, instead of just helping her get someone else? I don’t know the answer to any of that... but maybe she can help me find someone for myself. I truly believe that I need all the help I can get.

Tuesday, January 3, 2017

New Year's Eve... the most alone time you can ever have within a group

I'm used to being alone, I mean... I even enjoy being by myself. For the most part, I'm an introverted person and recharge my batteries by sitting on the couch or sleeping. However, I'm never really alone since I have a lot of great friends that invite me to parties, gatherings, sporting events, etc.

That being said, the most alone time period, of every year, begins at 11:59pm on December 31st, and lasts as long as others forget that I'm even around. The reason for this stems from couples being together to "bring in the new year". This is one of the reasons that I really hate doing anything, with other people, on New Year's Eve. All I can hope and work toward, is to be one of those people that has someone on New Year's Eve... but I also won't forget how it feels to be alone. I was in a pretty big group this year, and with one minute left in the year all the couples started queuing up and kindof pushing me out of the way... leaving me behind if you will. I don't know how long I was actually sitting at the table completely alone, but it felt like 15 minutes or so. It's like the scene that starts off Garden State, where everyone is panicking because the plane is going down and Zach Braff is just sitting there numb to it all. After awhile everyone realized what had happened and I was included back into the group again for some drinking games. But the damage had really been done. I no longer wanted to be there and I had already tried to figure out how to make my grand escape. I was so desperate, during those moments of being alone, that I was even trying to use a dating app to find someone for the night, so I wouldn't be alone.

All in all, I didn't know the whole group and the self centered nature of most of the group probably wasn't conducive to adding a stranger. The two guys wearing "Wingman" and "3rd Wheel" tees really showed their lack of general knowledge or lack of caring on how to handle the situation, when both are there with their girlfriends. I know the couple friends I had in the group certainly didn't do this on purpose... it just happened, but is still the biggest reason that I hate New Year's Eve.