Monday, September 11, 2017

What can happen in two weeks?

What can really occur within a fortnight ... it doesn't really seem like that long of a period of time, but in retrospect it could really be an eternity.  The myriad of emotions are interesting ... excitement, butterflies, fear, shock, being comfortable, open, disappointment, anger, sadness, etc.  Even though I felt prepared for the fall, I don't think I really was prepared for how it happened.

In a high level ... last couple weeks:

* Matching and talking to Leslie through Tinder
* Meeting Leslie in Boise for the day
* Talking and texting and facetime-ing Leslie once I got home
* Helping Leslie through interactions and a date with Zach, that seems to have kicked off their relationship

I'll start by saying that I don't even know why I matched with Leslie.  She's super cute, great smile, seemed like a good personality, active ... from her pictures and write up ... but has two children, and is very out going.  That's normally something I tend to stay away from.  Before I had even thought it all through though, we had matched.  I'm guessing my heart won out over my head this time or that I was in a different city and had nothing to lose or maybe it was just meant to be or maybe someone just knew that we would need each other for a little bit of time.  Our date in Boise was amazing, and that doesn't even explain it fully.  I'm pretty certain Leslie is the mayor of Boise, or is the President of the Tourism Board, she just knows everyone in that city.  When things started out, I was pretty nervous, which apparently seemed to show quickly, but ultimately I calmed down once we got to talking and walking and exploring and hiking and everything else we got into that day.  About 6 hours later, or so, I was walking back into my hotel ... room keys missing and all ... to reflect on the day, and head to sleep for a 3:30am wake up to fly home.  Part of me thought that was probably the end.  Much like other women, mostly ones in the area, I have a good time, she seems to have a good time, and I never hear from them again.  I don't remember who texted who first, but it wasn't the end ... it was most certainly not the end.

All in all, the last two weeks have been amazing. I’ve never met a woman that I’ve been that excited to talk to, to see, to "be around" (through the internet) however something was always a bit off... was it that she has two children? was it that she’s so far away? I don’t think that I’ll ever really know, since being really nice has turned a relationship into a friendship. Normally people try to do that the other way around... my way seems like pulling defeat from the jaws of victory. Like I said though, it was never really all together, right?!  Or maybe that's how I'm trying to spin this to myself, to not feel like I'm missing out on something.  Leslie felt more like I was always talking to someone I’d known forever ... not someone I just met on a random dating app.

I’m not really as open of a person, as I was with Leslie, and the distance has to work into that. I really had nothing to lose being open and showing myself... or did I? I acted like I had nothing to lose because I was helping her with Zach and she was helping me with Katie. I did have something to lost though... Leslie. Ultimately Katie has never been interested in me, something that I thought I saw pretty clearly, but when everyone else believed they saw something that I was missing then you start to wonder.  So, the entire time I wasn’t so much working toward Katie, but actually away from Leslie. Was I scared that it could be right ... that it could work out? Am I scared of being in a relationship... with the ability to let people down or have someone want to be with me when I just want to sleep or have someone that wants to talk to me when I really just want to be alone? Something has to be wrong with the way I connect the dots and how I think through everything.  I have to be getting in my own way somehow ... something has to be holding me back... but what, I don't see it?  (Edit: Here's the part where I say that I probably do see it, but have no idea how to change it)

In the end, the last two weeks have been amazing. I found someone that I could be completely me with... who didn’t judge me, who didn’t label me, and who didn’t try to change me (ok, Leslie tried to change me some). Plus, she knows radio! What a fantastic added plus, that could help out the hockey show and make us better in the future. Even after all this though, and even though I mention things not being completely right, and even so much that I had prepared for this ending.  I’m sad... not so much heartbroken, but more disappointed. Had I acted differently if she lived in DC? Would I have been more closed, and never gotten to this point?  Would I have fought more, instead of just helping her get someone else? I don’t know the answer to any of that... but maybe she can help me find someone for myself. I truly believe that I need all the help I can get.

Tuesday, January 3, 2017

New Year's Eve... the most alone time you can ever have within a group

I'm used to being alone, I mean... I even enjoy being by myself. For the most part, I'm an introverted person and recharge my batteries by sitting on the couch or sleeping. However, I'm never really alone since I have a lot of great friends that invite me to parties, gatherings, sporting events, etc.

That being said, the most alone time period, of every year, begins at 11:59pm on December 31st, and lasts as long as others forget that I'm even around. The reason for this stems from couples being together to "bring in the new year". This is one of the reasons that I really hate doing anything, with other people, on New Year's Eve. All I can hope and work toward, is to be one of those people that has someone on New Year's Eve... but I also won't forget how it feels to be alone. I was in a pretty big group this year, and with one minute left in the year all the couples started queuing up and kindof pushing me out of the way... leaving me behind if you will. I don't know how long I was actually sitting at the table completely alone, but it felt like 15 minutes or so. It's like the scene that starts off Garden State, where everyone is panicking because the plane is going down and Zach Braff is just sitting there numb to it all. After awhile everyone realized what had happened and I was included back into the group again for some drinking games. But the damage had really been done. I no longer wanted to be there and I had already tried to figure out how to make my grand escape. I was so desperate, during those moments of being alone, that I was even trying to use a dating app to find someone for the night, so I wouldn't be alone.

All in all, I didn't know the whole group and the self centered nature of most of the group probably wasn't conducive to adding a stranger. The two guys wearing "Wingman" and "3rd Wheel" tees really showed their lack of general knowledge or lack of caring on how to handle the situation, when both are there with their girlfriends. I know the couple friends I had in the group certainly didn't do this on purpose... it just happened, but is still the biggest reason that I hate New Year's Eve.

Wednesday, June 22, 2016

US Soccer...

I sometimes wonder... Am I the crazy one? Am I the one who was born on the wrong continent and grew up loving something that most people in the US couldn't give a fuck about?

But then I look around and I'm happy. I'm happy that I understand a sport that is generally regarded as "European". I'm happy that I'm not one of the bandwagon "ESPN sports fans" in the United States. I'm happy that I've taken the time to get it... to understand that you can lose to someone is just plain better than you... to understand that the United States of Entitlement doesn't translate past these borders and that we can't just win because we're the USA... to understand that on some days, the best team doesn't always win.

Do I think I'm better than you? Not a chance. Do I think you should get the fuck out of my way and allow me to follow my passion? Definitely. Now get the fuck out of my way.

Tuesday, May 24, 2016

Giving Up...

I always wondered how someone could get to the point where they decided that looking for love was no longer worth it... that they were giving up. Finding someone to love and live your life with is one of the fundamental blocks of living life to the fullest, right?

I've reached the point where I'm giving up, and I'll tell you why. I no longer enjoy the process... I no longer believe that I'm better off with someone else... I no longer believe that I will find someone that I can live my life with. I'm giving up.

It's sad and somewhat liberating. I was spending multiple hours on dating apps, and had 10 different apps on my phone at the same time. Many of which I would "match" with girls who never talked to me, or go out on a first date and never go anywhere farther than that. I've dated girls here and there throughout my life, but ultimately it was never anything really worth it. Fuck, I spent more time trying to get away from girls that thought I should be interested in them, not knowing that the whole time I felt like my energy was being sapped by their needy personalities.

So, I'm giving up on love and I'll live my life how I want to... hanging out with my friends, traveling the world, and playing golf. Oh, and I'll have a nice little 6-speed manual, dual exhaust sports car soon enough. Bye.

Monday, September 8, 2014

Tinder... It's a joke, right?

So, I've been on Tinder for a little while now. I was having a hard time finding a girl that would actually give me a chance. I've had some girls that have used me in order to not be alone, and other girls that seemed pretty interested until someone better came along, but at the end of the day... nobody that I really connected with outside of the occasional hook up or a random sporting event. So I tried out three dating apps and maybe this is my own fault because they're all free. I can't even say that Tinder, or any online dating for that matter, is entirely bad. I know plenty of success stories from online dating... it must just be the girls that I meet or more than likely, it's just me.

Here are my experiences with online dating services:

1) Tara... cute enough and a nice smile. We went out for food and a drink or two, walked around for a bit, and even got ice cream together. I talked to her once afterward and never heard back from her again.

2) Courtney... cute too and was "working on herself". We had dinner at an Italian place and had great conversation. I guess working on herself meant she didn't have time to talk to me.

3) Michelle... cute but lived an hour and a half away. I'm not really sure how we even matched up, but we had some really fun text conversations over the draft weekend and set up going to a baseball game. The day of the game came though, and she never showed up. So I went by myself, took some pictures, and talked to some minor league scouts. All in all, this tuned into a great Minor League Baseball bit for the Face Off Hockey Show, so I'm not even that mad.

4) Trysten... really cute smile and great eyes, she seemed like she actually had her life together and we'd talked for 2 hours already on the phone. This "date" was probably over before it started though. We had fun at a dockside bar, talked for awhile, and at the end of the night got a handshake and a "thanks". I knew it wasn't going well when she referred to how she "lived with her ex" on multiple occasions.

Those were just the girls that I matched up with and set something up to meet in person. More times than not, I just never hear back from the girl or we talk for a bit and then she's gone. Since Trysten, it's actually gotten far worse. I've matched with some randomly cute girls and then never heard back from them at all. I figure that, if after a week, I haven't heard from you at all then you're probably not interested in me or your friends matched me when you were drunk at the bar. The topper was last night though, Nellie. She's a cute girl but nothing overly attractive and certainly not out of my league. I sent one message and got something back, however once I got up this morning it was gone and I had been unmatched. I guess this little girl really needed someone to talk to her last night. 

What a joke.

I think I'm going to continue with updates: 

1) Jessica... Beautiful smile and a 35 year old IT Project Manager from Virginia. We talked for about 5 messages before I'm guessing that she decided 1 hour was way too far away for her to travel. I'm guessing because Jessica didn't even have the courtesy to tell me what happened. She asked what I did over the weekend and once I mentioned Baltimore then I was unmatched before I got back into the app.

2) Tally of Girls that never even respond is up to 15 now, since I started the updates section. It's actually worse on Hinge, where I'm not sure I've ever had a girl respond to me. At least there's a "match" though, right.

3) Jennifer... Cute girl and seemed like she could've been fun. I wasn't overly attracted to her, but she was certainly cute. Well Jennifer wanted to meet up but didn't want to give me her phone number... instead it was a good old email address. I emailed her and never heard back.

4) Now I'm starting to get spam on Tinder too. Glad that I've gotten at least 5 porn sites that want to match up with me. That's good for the confidence.

5) Mary... Interesting, cute, amazing smile and stepped right up with the confidence to start the conversation. We had a good conversation about music and concerts, but like everything else... it fizzled out and she stopped talking to me.

Who sees a trend here? Since I'm the only constant in this equation, I can only assume it's me... right? I do understand though, most (if not all of these girls) are out of my league, but I'll keep trying until I get a chance with one of those "out of my league" girls. I feel like once I get a chance, then maybe... just maybe... I can get someone to stick around.

6) Tiffany... Darn, is all I can say. She's my age, attractive, really smart and I thought our hour and half conversation over brunch was pretty nice. Tiffany was certainly out of my league, but our time together ended with her mentioning that she'd like to meet up again. Come to find out that just isn't the case, and she's not interested in me. She was very truthful about it though, actually texted me to tell me this, and I kindof appreciated this girl. She's amazing, but just ending up being too far out of my league.

7) Tiffany might be the last match I get... it's been over a month since I marched with any girls online.

8) My new experiment has turned Tinder into a collection of the cute girls that are still available in the area. It's becoming an optimistic view at the app. The most interesting piece is actually matching. I've tried this with every girl recently, and it continues to work... we talk for maybe a day or two, and then I get busy and don't send anything back. I've yet to have a girl send me anything without me initiating the conversation. There are plenty of cute girls out there however this "online dating" bit just confirms that I'm quite comfortable being by myself.

9) Ok... I'll say that Hinge worked this time. Erin was amazingly cute and we actually dated for 3 months. All in all, things didn't work out past the summer... Be it soccer season and my lack of time, or that we were two very different people, or that the only things we really ever did involved drinking and sex... it just didn't keep going. Erin changed pretty quickly and even accused me of "playing games". Oh well, I can say this time, online dating actually worked out.

10) Since Erin, I'm back in the rut of girls that match on a dating site and then never talk to me. It seems like it's back to being the same old shit.

11) Jennifer... Another girl on Hinge, which is far better at finding real people and girls that I find attractive than Tinder. I was insanely nervous as soon as she walked in... Jennifer might be the first girl in the history of online dating who was more attractive in real life than in the profile pictures. Awesome personality, likes sports, country music, lived in the city, owned her own house... the list goes on and on. I tried a text or so after the date, with no response back, but Jennifer is a super cool girl that was maybe a bit too far out of my league.

12) As an aside now, I've found a new dating app called Happn... it uses you phone gps, which tracks you anyway, you see if you cross paths with cute girls on a day to day basis. No real interactions have occurred yet, but it seems promising and the girls there are real people. I'll try this out, and maybe it'll get me out of the house to find people.

13) I don't believe 13 is an unlucky number, but this time it is. Kelli is super cute, smart, and is pretty much what I'd look for in someone to date. I thought we even had a really good date... trying each other's food and the beers that was got. 90 minutes went by without even thinking about it, but when I asked her out again... we quickly became "friends". I really don't have a clue what happened here and I'm actually kind of hurt some. I'm starting to believe that I'm closer and closer to just buying a sports car and calling it a day. I do find it very weird that I've never really had any girl interested in me that I was also interested in.

Wednesday, June 4, 2014

101 List... Revisited

So, I have my 101 List (it's on here toward the beginning of the blog) printed out and hanging in my cube at work. It's something that I see every day and it's something that others ask questions about. Those questions normally spur me on to continue accomplishing goals that I've set out for my life or to tell some great stories of goals that I've already accomplished in my life... and those are both good things.

Recently though, I had someone come over and kindof scoff at the "Family Matters" section of my 101 List... The first section... The top section, if you will. 

And it got me to thinking... Could I actually be happy with my life, knowing that I accomplished many of the goals that I set for myself, without ever falling in love and never having a family of my own?

This kindof goes back to the run I've had thinking about what my legacy could be (another post, and yes, I realize "thinking too much" will be my reason for death). I've thought about my legacy, and decided that I can create a quite good legacy for myself, just by being who I am, and by taking pictures of people or places that are dear to my friends and family. And then giving those pictures to them as gifts. Seeing life through the lens of a Nikon has some tremendous advantages, and I'm currently in many of my friend's house. So, I'm not exactly concerned with my legacy actually. I believe I'm on the right path and I believe that I'll be able to create a lasting legacy without ever having children or a family of my own creation.

But this question about happiness is different than the question about a legacy. It's actually quite scary. I'll need to sit down and reflect on happiness for a bit. I know, for a fact, that I'm not fully happy right now. My job is going really well, and I'm working myself back down to my playing weight, but I'm not happy. I'm not happy that I don't have someone to care about, to share life with, to think about, or to just be together. I had such an amazing night, with the USMNT win over Ghana in the World Cup. Almost a perfect night maybe... well except for the fact that I had no girl to share my joy with... nobody that I could just fully show how amazingly happy I was that night. So maybe I can't have a fulfilling life without finding love? I'm not sure honestly...

Thursday, May 22, 2014

Disappointment is becoming normal...

Oh well... I saw this coming, honestly it's been coming for months now, but it doesn't mean I feel any better about it.  I had gotten back the confidence to ask someone to hang out again... someone who lives on the other side of the world. Last year, this weekend was a pretty awesome weekend watching the Monaco Grand Prix with a girl that I fully appreciated as a person and actually made time to see and talk to. A girl that I set up my phone to ring and wake me in the middle of the night, if she ever needed me for anything. A girl that I would've moved to Australia to be with and seriously started talking to recruiters about PeopleSoft projects in Melbourne. A year ago... Seems like such a long time, as now this weekend she doesn't even have enough time to send a tweet back to me, or better yet doesn't care enough to make time. I knew it would be like this when you're dealing with a young kid... I mean, I haven't gotten a single thing from Australia that I was promised. No Fred Melbourne Heart jersey, no handmade beanie hat, no media guide from the Australia National Road Race, and no photo book of pictures that she took when she was younger. And I haven't really heard anything since I was dropped last fall, once she got out of the funk she was in throughout the year. I should've been prepared for disappointment... I should've known this was coming... I should've stopped caring quite awhile ago.

So, as of this morning, I've decided that I just don't have time for her anymore.  I've stopped following or muted most all of the social media that she puts out there.  At the end of the day, most of what she tweets or puts on Facebook is only there to garner attention anyway.  She's basically what Laura was, when Laura had a fan club telling her how amazing she was.

I feel like I've lost someone that I was really close with though.  I mean fuck, we spent most of July together last summer ... watching the Tour de France, listening to podcasts together, or talking to each other and getting to know each other on a different level.  All in all, I did a lot for this girl last year, to help her out of whatever funk she had landed on in the beginning of the year, and for all that help I've got nothing to show for it for it now.  Not even a friend with even enough time to sit down and watch an hour of F1 qualifying... something that's timed and only lasts that long.

It's not even that I was expecting anything... just maybe a friend that seemed to care about me.  Oh well, the time I had with her was pretty awesome, and she's a girl that actually gets me.  It's going to be tough for me to not care about her at all, but out of sight/out of mind ... right? I hope she pulls things together and finally realizes how cool she is and that she doesn't need all these people to tell her she's great ... hell, at some point all the people will be gone, just ask Laura, she knows better than anyone.  It'll be nice though when she realizes what she's lost.  I always envision girls moving on past me, and looking back at some point in their lives... during their bullshit marriages, or the bullshit relationships with the "perfect guy or girl", only to realize that I was the best person in their life and they just let me go.