Sunday, February 9, 2014

Oh well... I tried

I truly believe it's time to go back into the shell that I have. Being open works to a point, but then I just get rejected and people act like nothing happened. Maybe the people that are close to me really don't want me to open up to them or really don't want to be close to me. Maybe my life is just to be there and help them. It really seems like every time I truly open up and start letting people see who I am and what I like, they start to pull away and I end up alone and questioning life again. The best course of action might be to just stay in my shell and never open up. It might be the only way to actually date a girl and try to move on with my life.

Monday, January 13, 2014

England Trip

Well... another year and another trip to see some of my great friends that are in different places around the world.  Last year I saw Sasky in Australia and this year headed off to see Phil, Anna, and Michael in England.  They certainly took care of my throughout the week and a bit, and we had a great time.

Just like last year, here are some bulletpoint highlights:
  • I literally got the last Stoke City padded jacket, in the store, and it just so happened to be Medium and fit perfectly. It's amazingly cozy.
  • Ended up buying mostly soccer gear as souvenirs for this trip: a Stoke padded jacket, a Stoke flag, a Stoke beanie hat, an Olympiakos FC jersey, an AEK Athens jersey, and a neon green beanie hat at Poundtown.
  • Closed out an amazing 2 dart 48 (single 20, double 14) to win the InterContinental Darts Championship 2 legs to 1.
  • Walked alone, The Beatles Story, all the Museums, and getting Fish and Chips in Liverpool.
  • Had Chinese for dinner and watched 'The Life of Brian' and 'Walk Hard' on NYE, then watched the fireworks from London.
  • Went to see Stoke City v Everton, on New Years Day, a 1-1 draw for my first ever EPL game.
  • I got my ass handed to me in Tiger Woods '07, although I did get a hole in one over the week.
  • Talked to Carly, quite a cute check out girl, at Morrisons on a couple of our trips to the super market.
  • Got a late night Friday phone call, that my flight home was cancelled. Stayed an extra night at Phil and Anna's and then stayed a night near the Manchester Airport for a night.
  • Food: Mexican (chili and tostitos) Chinese (duck vermicelli and prawn fried rice), Italy (pizza), England (fish and chips, proper British breakfast, pork pie), American (hamburger and fries), Turkey (chicken kabobs), Greece (pork skewers), Indian (curry), Portuguese (Nando's Piri Piri style chicken)
  • Beer: Peru, England, USA, Italy, Belgium, Japan, Ireland.
  • Movies: 'The Life of Brian', 'Walk Hard', 'The Other Guys', 'Catch Me If You Can', 'Rush', 'About Time', 'The World's End', 'Despicable Me 2'.

Monday, December 9, 2013

Safe haven

So, I find this place, my own little piece of the internet, to be the safest place to say what I think and actually have the thought that someone might see it.  It's safe because nobody reads this piece of shit blog that I put together, and it's honestly easier for me that way.  I do have a little notebook that holds the secrets of my life ... if anyone ever got to reading through that, they would most certainly look at me in a different light.  The only reason I say that is that things can't stay there.  It's worthless for me to write notes to myself because I'm always so critical of the things that I do and the things that I think.  This note to myself will be out in the open because I'm tired of continually beating myself up for being me.  The irony is that it'll be completely about the question of why I open myself up at all.

I guess the real title of this should've been "Why do I open myself up and be vulnerable?"  I loath the fact that I'm so introverted, and that nobody really knows who I am ... myself included in that most times.  Apparently I'm doing quite well at wearing masks and being a chameleon though because I have people at work that actually think I'm outgoing ... wouldn't they be surprised if they knew the truth.  The reason I ask the above question is that I've been trying, throughout this entire year, to become more open and to tell people more of what I feel in my heart.  Less of what I'm thinking about and how I convey the best possible message ... the message of least resistance for me.  The problem though is the people I want to be most open with, are also the people that shut down when I tell them the truth or when I compliment them.  So, why do I open myself up at all, if inevitably it'll end up in the people I hold close just pulling away from me?  Maybe it's not "people" persee, maybe it's just one girl, in a world full of girls ... but my God she means so much to me and the fact there are other girls in the world doesn't mean much.  I've tried really hard this year ... I've read books upon books (Calling in The One, Daring Greatly, Take the Stairs, Open, The Introvert Advantage) in order to get my head and my heart aligned, but it just plain hasn't worked out.  At least it doesn't seem to be working for me right now.  This past week, this is honestly a conversation I had  ... "Why are you awake right now?" ... my response was "I was thinking about you" ... "oh."  At that very moment, the only feeling I have going through my body is regret and how absolutely stupid I am.  Regret for opening myself up again and saying what was in my heart.  Stupid because I knew, in my head, it was the wrong thing to say out loud.  I knew I should've just not told her the truth, like I often do ... so to not push her away, but I didn't and I don't know why I didn't.  After a bit of silence, I changed the subject, and moved onto something else, but the damage was already done.  It doesn't help me though, I can't move on to something else.  I only think about that one specific moment over and over again and read that one interaction over and over again, and I get to this point of questioning why I even open myself up in the first place... why I even try anymore.  Everything I've read this year points to being open and honest and vulnerable in order to find someone to be very close with, someone to love ... someone that actually sees who you are and likes that person, when the rest of the world doesn't care to stop and get to know you at all.  Maybe I've found the wrong person.  Maybe I've created my whole world around someone who doesn't want to get to know me at all.  I'm not really sure.  All I know is that I'm destroying myself by trying too hard and caring too much, but that's really the only way I know.  I guess it comes from a wrestler's mentality of being 'all in'.  I know that my body can do far more than my mind believes I can do ... I've pushed myself to my limits and then pushed myself farther.  I don't know if my head can get out of the way of my heart though ... or better yet, if maybe my head is possibly just protecting my heart.

I'll probably end up deleting this whole thing, once I get around to thinking it through and realizing that this isn't something that anyone wants to hear from me. I can't even quantify the number of emails I write, rewrite, and ultimately delete without ever sending them to anyone.  Plus there's that off chance that someone could read this and that I could end up hurting the one person I don't ever want to hurt because I've used an honest example.  I'm supposed to be the strong one ... the one that people come to in order to talk through things ... the one that helps others through their lives ... the one that tells other people just how great they are and that I believe in them (even if they ultimately think I'm full of shit).  I'd just like to have an amazing girl that I can show who I am, and be completely truthful with... without getting a response of "oh."

Sunday, April 14, 2013

Not everything is perfect...

Well, if you've been reading up on any of my posts then you would know that I'm putting together a nice little 2013. What you wouldn't know is that I fully censor what I put on here, and that everything isn't what it seems. I've gone and fucked up something that was going quite well, by trying to make more out of it than was possible. Honestly, I've been so up and down throughout this year, that the good things going on are only slightly outweighing what I feel when I'm down. Long story short, I'm afraid I really fucked a great friendship because I thought something more could be there... and because everyone around me thought something more was already there. I've come a long way from the hole I was in last year, and this has certainly been a better year. I'm still missing something though.

Thursday, March 7, 2013

2013 ...

After a fantastic week in Sydney and having just completed a great night watching fireworks with Sasky, she mentioned that seeing the sun rise on the beach would be a good way to bring in the new year.  With an hour or so of sleep, we went to Bondi Beach early in the morning to see the sun rise on 2013.  The sunrise wasn't the beautiful spectacle it normally is, however the year has started off quite well nonetheless. 

I'll update this throughout the year, and I just know that Sasky is right ...

2013 is going to be a much better year than 2012 was, for both of us.

January:
  • Australia trip, hanging with Sasky for a week, and all the fantasticness that went on there.
  • A day of walking around Baltimore and taking pictures with McGrady and Melanie.
  • Working at the Orioles FanFest.
February:
  • Ravens win the Super Bowl
  • An 150th Anniversary Stoke City (personalized with American Geoff Cameron) top shows up at my front door, from Phil and Anna.
  • A 9 hour, international, Google+ Hangout Saturday with Phil, Anna, and Michael, & then watching A-League soccer into the wee hours of the night.
March:
  • Won tickets to Darius Rucker, Rodney Atkins, and Jana Kramer on WPOC, by being caller #9.
  • Asked to DJ a wedding in New York, for a great friend's wedding.
  • Started my legacy, the only way I know how right now, by starting to send photo books around the world.
April:
  • Refereed the University of Maryland v Washington Spirit Pro exibition game.
  • Finished 2nd in an NCAA Men's basketball bracket, and even led for awhile.
  • Caps win the SouthEast Division, and head into the playoffs as the 3rd seed.
May:
  • Not really a good month actually.  There were a bunch more downs than ups this month, and the ups kindof felt like pieces that were out of place this time around.  I was a bit alone this month, even when I was out with other people.
  • Some good days watching the Giro d'Italia or F1.
  • Fun with Scotty in studio and watching the Face Off Hockey Show Hockey Team.
June:
  • Honestly, June was a bit more of what May was, and "normal" seems to be slipping below the x-axis. However the good nights, with friends, were really fun nights.
  • Darius Rucker concert at Pier Six and USMNT friendly v Germany.
  • Marc's 30th Birthday and fun with the group at the NHL Draft in Newark, NJ.
July:
  • After a lackluster June, July was the best month of 2013 since leaving Australia in January.
  • Hanging out with Sasky, for three full weeks, day and night, for Tour de France dates and sometimes just to talk about life.
  • Picking out colors and styles for a handmade beanie hat, made in Australia.
  • A random night at the Blake Shelton concert at Jiffy Lube Live and USMNT Gold Cup quarterfinal game against El Salvador.
  • My 35th Birthday, brought in with a sunrise round of golf.
August:
  • August wasn't too awful. It started off really bad, but picked up toward the end. I even got in an F1 date with Sasky. It's always a good time when I get to see her and talk to her.
  • The start of the Premier League season was fun... being at Slainte, at 7am, to watch soccer was a great Saturday.
September:
  • Well, things don't last forever when lives are getting busy and constantly changing.
  • Soccer season has started and that means I have some long days and people yelling and screaming at me, even when they have no clue what they're talking about.
  • I've been pretty frustrated throughout most of this month, and I've missed out on doing a lot of things that I like to do... like not getting to be part of the hockey show all month.
October:
  • I got to be a part of Charlie and Ariel's marriage in the Poconos.
  • I figured out that my legacy in life will probably be created through the pictures that I take, so I bought a new lens and I'll start creating soon.
  • I spent the month with water damage in the guest room and a hole in the ceiling of my bathroom, stressed out about a lot of things, frustrated with most everything else in my life, and very much alone.
November:
  • This month started in a flash... 70 hour work weeks and the stress of a company wide program going live. I wasn't home much and didn't have much time to be by myself.
  • Refereeing has ended with the normal disappointment that should really just become the expectation. Playoffs come and go, and I'm just not good enough to get the D1 tournament games.
  • Thanksgiving was fun. It's alway a good time at Aunt Cheryl and Karen's house. Their house is very nice, set up quite well, and there are pictures of their travels everywhere. They do have a lot more wall space than I do though. 
December:
    • I got to take family pictures, for a former co-worker.  It was a great time with the family, got me out of the house, and they paid me even.
    • I've found the hole in my roof and a got a friend to help me fix it.  We celebrated with cigars and beers on the deck, and then moved onto Frank's Den.
    • I got to celebrate with some college friends and head to a tour of the Troegs Brewery.
    • I ended the year on a good note though ... work promotion, making even more money, getting recommended to referee Big10 soccer next season, and getting packed up for an England adventure.  It's good to end on a high note.
    Well, that's basically it. I'm getting ready to get on a plane heading to England to see Phil, Anna, and Michael and hang out for a bit... ending this year with another trip to see great people. This exercise will never be done again. I forced myself through some of the down months of 2013, and somehow seemed to make everything sound somewhat decent in the end. 2013 moved me in the right direction, as I'm in a much better place than I was two years ago at this time. I'm the most marketable, as an employee and a person, as I've ever been. Actually, for a period of this year, it was the closest I've ever felt to being in a real relationship too... the closest I've felt to finding a girl that I could be completely me around at all times.  Even though I know it is a good friendship, and nothing more (let's be honest, Sasky deserves someone far better than I can ever get out of me... I can't even get out of my own way half of the time) it was cool to be a part of someone's life and to share moments of our lives with each other, even if it was just for a little while.  Thank you darling, for letting me feel this way, and thank you for being you.

    To end this year, I've learned that I'm getting better. With most everything though, I've learned that I'm good, but I'm just not good enough. I need to change something and figure out how to be better because I don't want to live a life of constantly wanting something that's not going to happen. Thanks to all my friends, that are around me and help me, and actually put up with my bullshit.  Losing the closeness I had with Sasky hurt me during the year, big time, and maybe 2014 will end up being better than 2013.  My horoscope tells me it will be.  Without adding someone or reconnecting with someone special within my life. I'm just not exactly sure...

    Tuesday, January 15, 2013

    What has Lance Armstrong done?

    For me, Lance Armstrong:
    • gave cancer patients someone to look up to, and to continue to fight against the disease because of.
    • got me into better shape.
    • started me cycling. Which is where I think about life most often.
    • started me following cycling, and watching the grand tours. Which gave me a connection with some friends that are very close now.
    • started a great foundation, that I'll continue to donate to.
    • started a great foundation that helps me track my daily calories by having the largest food database I could find.
    • started a great foundation that has raised millions upon millions of dollars for the research of a cure for cancer.

    Monday, January 14, 2013

    One year ago...

    So, I've been thinking a lot recently.  I'm very sure that when I eventually die, "thinking myself to death" might be the reason that's on the certificate.  This normally happens to me though when I've done something that makes me reconsider what I'm doing with my life or what I've done with my life. Meeting someone that I'm in awe of and being quite happy with everything going on in my life right now has turned me into reminiscing on the past year of my life. I'd love to be able to tell you that this is going to be some eloquent post, written with actual sentences and paragraphs, but it won't be. I think in bullet points, so that's what you get.

    Last year at this time, I was:

    • walking around aimlessly.  Without purpose, without direction, and without an actual goal in sight.  The "light at the end of the tunnel" was more likely the train and not the end of the tunnel.
    • a new home owner.  After luckily falling into a good housing opportunity, and having a great friend help me out completely.
    • rearranging my life, and dealing with living by myself for the first time ever.
    • dreading waking up each morning, and going to a job that I wasn't appreciated at.  While also preparing to be without a job.  Knowing that February would be the end of a 12 year career at the same company.  My first job out of college.
    • quite unhappy with life and also quite alone.  I do thank the people that I talked to a lot last year, but no matter what was actually said to me, it was really just going in one ear and out the other.
    • very stressed out about what I was going to do.

    365 days can be a lifetime though.  I was told, by a smart person, that she's found "the worst year you've encountered is normally followed up by the best year you've encountered".  I feel like 2012 was good to me.  The best year?  I think I could've done more to try to end the world.  Certainly a better year and my life has turned around.  So, in the last year, I:

    • received a book called "What Color is Your Parachute?", that got my head around finding a new job and creating a new career.
    • got a new job, that I'm currently very happy with, and that I'm appreciated at.
    • decided to upgrade my closet with many new Express fitted dress shirts.
    • refereed my first ACC soccer game.
    • witnessed my cousin get married.
    • got to go to an Orioles playoff game.
    • traveled to Australia, for a great friend's wedding, and hung out with one of the most amazing girls I could possibly have in my life.

    I don't tell you this to make me seem like I'm great, and everything wasn't perfect throughout the whole year, but if you know me at all then you know what a shit word "perfect" is anyway. Like I said above, all in all it was a good year. It was probably the exact year that I needed to feel like myself again. I needed to be appreciated. I needed to accomplish some long time goals. I needed to believe in myself. I would've liked to have met someone to date too, but I'll have to leave something to do for this year.