Safe haven

So, I find this place, my own little piece of the internet, to be the safest place to say what I think and actually have the thought that someone might see it.  It's safe because nobody reads this piece of shit blog that I put together, and it's honestly easier for me that way.  I do have a little notebook that holds the secrets of my life ... if anyone ever got to reading through that, they would most certainly look at me in a different light.  The only reason I say that is that things can't stay there.  It's worthless for me to write notes to myself because I'm always so critical of the things that I do and the things that I think.  This note to myself will be out in the open because I'm tired of continually beating myself up for being me.  The irony is that it'll be completely about the question of why I open myself up at all.

I guess the real title of this should've been "Why do I open myself up and be vulnerable?"  I loath the fact that I'm so introverted, and that nobody really knows who I am ... myself included in that most times.  Apparently I'm doing quite well at wearing masks and being a chameleon though because I have people at work that actually think I'm outgoing ... wouldn't they be surprised if they knew the truth.  The reason I ask the above question is that I've been trying, throughout this entire year, to become more open and to tell people more of what I feel in my heart.  Less of what I'm thinking about and how I convey the best possible message ... the message of least resistance for me.  The problem though is the people I want to be most open with, are also the people that shut down when I tell them the truth or when I compliment them.  So, why do I open myself up at all, if inevitably it'll end up in the people I hold close just pulling away from me?  Maybe it's not "people" persee, maybe it's just one girl, in a world full of girls ... but my God she means so much to me and the fact there are other girls in the world doesn't mean much.  I've tried really hard this year ... I've read books upon books (Calling in The One, Daring Greatly, Take the Stairs, Open, The Introvert Advantage) in order to get my head and my heart aligned, but it just plain hasn't worked out.  At least it doesn't seem to be working for me right now.  This past week, this is honestly a conversation I had  ... "Why are you awake right now?" ... my response was "I was thinking about you" ... "oh."  At that very moment, the only feeling I have going through my body is regret and how absolutely stupid I am.  Regret for opening myself up again and saying what was in my heart.  Stupid because I knew, in my head, it was the wrong thing to say out loud.  I knew I should've just not told her the truth, like I often do ... so to not push her away, but I didn't and I don't know why I didn't.  After a bit of silence, I changed the subject, and moved onto something else, but the damage was already done.  It doesn't help me though, I can't move on to something else.  I only think about that one specific moment over and over again and read that one interaction over and over again, and I get to this point of questioning why I even open myself up in the first place... why I even try anymore.  Everything I've read this year points to being open and honest and vulnerable in order to find someone to be very close with, someone to love ... someone that actually sees who you are and likes that person, when the rest of the world doesn't care to stop and get to know you at all.  Maybe I've found the wrong person.  Maybe I've created my whole world around someone who doesn't want to get to know me at all.  I'm not really sure.  All I know is that I'm destroying myself by trying too hard and caring too much, but that's really the only way I know.  I guess it comes from a wrestler's mentality of being 'all in'.  I know that my body can do far more than my mind believes I can do ... I've pushed myself to my limits and then pushed myself farther.  I don't know if my head can get out of the way of my heart though ... or better yet, if maybe my head is possibly just protecting my heart.

I'll probably end up deleting this whole thing, once I get around to thinking it through and realizing that this isn't something that anyone wants to hear from me. I can't even quantify the number of emails I write, rewrite, and ultimately delete without ever sending them to anyone.  Plus there's that off chance that someone could read this and that I could end up hurting the one person I don't ever want to hurt because I've used an honest example.  I'm supposed to be the strong one ... the one that people come to in order to talk through things ... the one that helps others through their lives ... the one that tells other people just how great they are and that I believe in them (even if they ultimately think I'm full of shit).  I'd just like to have an amazing girl that I can show who I am, and be completely truthful with... without getting a response of "oh."