"Seeing things" ...

I'm not even sure that anyone reads anything I put here ... to be honest, it would be far better if nobody ever knew about this.  This is my own, personal, part of the internet.  I can say what I'm thinking, I can be totality honest, and I can say it without looking like some whack job with a journal when I die.  Only time will tell if this really is my personal Oasis.

Onto the topic at hand though ... I'll begin with a little story.  Working with people, is normally where you can find your wife or girlfriend, really good friend, someone to cheat with, etc.  These are the people that you inevitably spend the most of your awake hours with.  When you've known someone for 2 or 3 years, you start to think that you know them pretty well.  So well, that you walk up to them and give them your number, as you're leaving the job, to grab a drink and a bite to eat sometime.  Maybe that's where the problem comes from, there's a perception that you "know someone", but many people are very different in work than they are out of work.  Let's take my example, we'll call her "Anne Marie".  I knew Anne Marie pretty well from work, I thought so, well enough to ask her to come out with friends and hang out on Friday evenings (even some Saturday evenings) for drinks and dinner.  Three months of this back and forth occurs, until one day Anne Marie meets a bunch of my friends, who are quite smitten with her and hoping that we are dating.  All fuck breaks loose from there, and Anne Marie becomes pretty hostile and quite shitty as a person.  Ultimately, this "whatever it really was" with Anne Marie falls into a place where her running away is her best option, since she "never showed me that she was interested."

But ... is that really the truth or maybe that she's not used to guys that actually notice things?

This is where "seeing things" comes into play.  In retrospect, I should've just asked in the beginning, but I was too scared to be rejected right off the hop, and never get to hang out with Anne Marie at all.  It's also not like Anne Marie was so attractive or so popular that I should've never thought that she could be interested in me.  Anne Marie is actually right in the section of girls that I think could be interested in me.  She's cute, but not attractive, she's smart, but not overly intellectual ... literally, if I described someone that I could be with for a very long time, Anne Marie would be that girl.  Still, part of me knew there was never a chance that she would be interested anyway, but that's the part of me that I've been trying to suppress ... it's time to give things a try, time to be optimistic going in, and time to not have regrets in the end for not going after someone I would want to date.  Being an introvert, and being able to notice surroundings becomes a very good trait to have and a very bad trait to have, all at the same time.  I noticed things like body language, tones in her voice, what we talked about, how she interacted with people, when she wanted to 'hang out', and even the use of exclamations points in texts.  I noticed a lot.  Sure, there were definitely signs that pointed to the fact that Anne Marie wasn't interested in me ... after almost every time we hung out, she would barely acknowledge that I existed and get on her phone (which would occur after about 3-4 hours of talking where neither of us looked at our phones).  Her body language would change, when she would start interacting with other people.  She almost never hugged me when we left places, but then again that's a bit hard to do when you don't acknowledge that someone exists.  Even one night, when I asked "why aren't we dating?" but just got back a response of "sorry" and nothing more ... which looking back now would've been a great time to brings this up (the whole bit about not being interested and all).  With all these signs that Anne Marie wasn't interested in me, there were just as many (or more) signs that she could've been interested.  We talked about sex lives (definitely out of my comfort zone for a friend), we talked about life goals, we talked about bucket lists, we talked about families, we talked about work, the question of "do you find her attractive?" came up one night, and even helped each other through some life decisions.  Granted, all of that could've just been accomplished as friends ... had this "not interested at all" mantra been brought up in the beginning.  Anne Marie's body language was almost always toward me, even when I tried to be pointed at the bar, we laughed and joked about a lot, and there was always a subtle touch at some point throughout the night.  A hand on an arm or a lower back, or a caressing type of gesture ... just enough to think "maybe?"  An invitation to come to her house, and spend time alone with her and her dog.  We went out to a sporting event, just the two of us, spending some really good time together (which is also something that I've never done with a single friend).  I even had people, that didn't really know either of us, tell me how great we were "together" ... along with others that knew us both and thought we'd be really good together.

At this point, reading through this and even written this all down again, I wonder how I place any real significance on gestures or actions that could be part of anyone else's day to day life.  Maybe this is just Anne Marie's personality, maybe she puts no significance on how she portrays herself, maybe she just doesn't value a close relationship.  Maybe, just maybe, I put significance on actions that I wanted to "see".  Maybe, just maybe, I thought that being open, honest, and vulnerable was the way to show Anne Marie that I was interested in her.  Maybe, just maybe, I thought that I found someone who liked me for who I am and I liked her for who she is.

Ultimately, Anne Marie is gone.  She's too stubborn to ever go back on the "take care" text that was sent.  She's also too stubborn to realize what she's really missing out on.  Amazingly enough, I don't feel any regret that she's gone.  I don't feel like I lost someone that could've been a really good friend.  I don't feel like I lost anything, to be honest.  I actually feel relieved that Anne Marie is gone.  I'm relieved that I don't need to sensor myself around someone, who's so hyper sensitive that someone's "interested in them" when she's obviously not interested in me, that she can get really shitty as a person.  I'm relieved that I can go back to just being alone, without a care of what people think, and I've already moved on (probably once I get this all out of my system).  I have no regrets on how this happened ... I was fully honest and fully open throughout this whole period of time.  It just didn't work out.  Oh well.

PS:  After thinking about this for a full day, and being removed from a couple days ... with the distraction of work and soccer ... I'm more mad now than anything.  I'm mad that I don't get to hang out with Anne Marie anymore.  I became accustomed to having someone to hang out with, and talk, and grab a drink or three, and just be social.  I have saved a shit load of money though, not doing anything.

“Ready Player Two” thoughts...

I’ve recently finished “Ready Player One”, since a great friend of mine told me that I should read it... and she was very right about that (she knows me pretty well). I've always found it interesting, how futuristic US always seems to be a barren wasteland.  The book does a great job of bringing back the 1980's, and transporting the reader into a imaginary place though ... called the OASIS.  It also does a great job of having a group of friends, become very close and very trusting of each other, without ever meeting each other.  That means that a guy who's really a girl or someone self conscience about their image, can be accepted for who they are ... which is a grand concept in the world we're currently living in.

Now, I've always been a movie before book type of person.  I enjoy each genre for what they are, but seeing the movie allows me to read the book and have some context for where the author wants me to go.  This also allows me to not get sucked into the "book had this, or that, but the movie didn't" type of thought.  I've had this book for awhile now, but the trailers of the upcoming movie really got me interested in reading it... also they gave me some context.  I'm not really going to get much into the book, read it if you'd like.  There are some Ready Player One spoilers, in the remainder of this post, so you've been warned.

With the movie coming out soon, I’m going to drop some thoughts on where Ready Player Two could be going, since Ernest Cline has already confirmed this is going to happen, and why wouldn't it.  The hype train is rolling on in full effect right now.

The last time we see Sorrento, he's being hauled away, accused of murder.  This is where the genius of how this book was closed out, allows for so many holes that a second book could be made.  Sorrento isn't even mad that he's being accused of murder, or that any of this is happening... he just smiles.  It's almost like this is all part of his plan in the first place.  I have a feeling, during Parzival's rise to fame, his sponsorships, and his breaking into IOI ... there's a signed document that gives Sorrento full control of the OASIS, if Parzival found the Easter Egg.  This is where Ready Player Two takes a turn for the worst.  Sorrento, now in control, places his plan in motion, and people are starting to get charged a monthly fee in order to use the OASIS.  Basically, everything that allowed the OASIS to be the escape, for some many people, has now become one more thing that people can no longer afford.  The OASIS quickly becomes a barren wasteland, where only the rich can still be a part of it.  Throughout the number of chapters, while the OASIS is starting to crumble under the greed of Sorrento, the real world is becoming more and more hostile.  Without the sanctuary that so many people use to escape their lives, go to school, or even make money through business ... the world is starting to break into the "haves" versus the "have nots".  Now, I have no idea where Parzival is, throughout this entire process, but I'm assuming that even Sorrento knows that he can't kill off Parzival.  Sorrento got out of murder charges once, but won't be so lucky a second time.  Maybe everyone starts to turn on Parzival, since he's the one you ultimately gave Sorrento control of the OASIS.  Maybe even to the point where Aech, Art3mis, and Shoto turn on Parzival, and he's back to being a loner... without a dream in his heart, without a love of his own

Sorrento and IOI, goes directly to Castle Anorak, and tries to take over everything in the OASIS.  Sorrento gets extremely mad though, when nobody is able to enter Halladay's office, since it was hardcoded that Parzival is the only avatar that can get there.  IOI probably tries for years, to get into Halladay's office, and during this whole time ... Sorrento is getting more and more angry that he's not able to take full control, as more and more people are logging out of the OASIS and not paying for anything.  The entire OASIS is starting to crumble beneath Sorrento's reign.

The OASIS has hit a tipping point, and Parzival finds a way to get back in touch with Aech, Art3mis, and Shoto.  Aech probably never really left, as I feel like she completely trusts Parzival (the only thing that might throw a wrench is this, is if Ernest Cline decides to keep the "girl breaking up friends" theme rolling and Art3mis actually gets in the middle of Aech and Parzival).  This is the moment where Parzival starts to tells his friends, and people that he trusts, that he's the only one that can get into Halladay's office, as that was part of time that nobody else could see.  Parzival comes up with a plan, to get himself back into Halladay's office, so they can take control of the OASIS.  The plan involves getting everyone to log in again.  This is no easy feat however, as everyone is starting to let the OASIS fall to the wayside.  But, like that last time the OASIS was going to be taken away from the people, everyone joins together to fight against Sorrento and IOI.

At this point, everyone is fighting for one purpose ... to take down Sorrento.  In order to coordinate this whole attack, the group is probably back at Og's Mansion together.  There's a massive fight, on all sides of the ledger ... everyone fighting against the massive forces of the IOI Corporation.  Through using new artifacts, that Parzival didn't even know were in his arsenal, Parzival is able to fight his way into Halladay's office.  Once in the office, Parzival takes some time to think through his decision, however ultimately decides that pressing the "Big Red Button" is the way to go.  As Sorrento realizes that everything he's worked for, is slipping from his grasp, he gets very desperate.  Ultimately, some past decisions come back to fall on Sorrento, and without something like "control of the OASIS", he's no longer able to get past them.  Samantha and Wade get back to being in love, and everyone lives happily ever after.

With all that being said, who knows where Ernest Cline will go with 'Ready Player Two' ... I don't know how a third book comes out of this, but I've been wrong in the past and I'll be wrong again in the future.  I think it'll be fun to see where this is all going though.  I'm looking forward to going and seeing the movie, once it's out.

2018... it’s my year of change

Well... 2018 started a lot like 2017 ended. Some uncertainty, as I was wondering if Carolyn had actually stopped talking to me or was just consumed with being at her parent’s (spoiler alert: she stopped talked to me), and wondering how people would take that I was getting a new job. This is only the third employer that I’ll have (full time and not including all the other jobs I’ve had), and the first time that I left on my terms. This job is what I should be, as I move to 40, and a big raise while I’m in my prime money making years. It’s an opportunity that I have to take, for me, but I’m leaving behind a bunch of people that I really like. This is possibly the biggest change the biggest change that I’ll have all year, and it’s happenjng in February.

Some other small changes, that I’ve already started are:

• Getting a new mattress and upgrading to a queen sized bed
• Bagging up a bunch of clothes and donating them
• Cleaning out the basement, to get prepared to finish it
• Upgrading  to iPhone X
• Ending my refereeing career

Some other changes that are planned for this year:

• Finishing the basement (bathroom, bar, studio space, etc.)
• Buying a new car
• Travel to see some soccer

What you won’t see here is finding someone to date. I’ve all but given up on that. If something happens, then great, but it seems like a waste of time to me... when I have some many changes planned to make me better, my house better, or just to make me happy. I’ve always seen myself as being single into my 40’s anyway, so now is just the time to bug a Porchse for myself... I guess.

New Year's Eve... the most alone time you can ever have within a group

I'm used to being alone, I mean... I even enjoy being by myself. For the most part, I'm an introverted person and recharge my batteries by sitting on the couch or sleeping. However, I'm never really alone since I have a lot of great friends that invite me to parties, gatherings, sporting events, etc.

That being said, the most alone time period, of every year, begins at 11:59pm on December 31st, and lasts as long as others forget that I'm even around. The reason for this stems from couples being together to "bring in the new year". This is one of the reasons that I really hate doing anything, with other people, on New Year's Eve. All I can hope and work toward, is to be one of those people that has someone on New Year's Eve... but I also won't forget how it feels to be alone. I was in a pretty big group this year, and with one minute left in the year all the couples started queuing up and kindof pushing me out of the way... leaving me behind if you will. I don't know how long I was actually sitting at the table completely alone, but it felt like 15 minutes or so. It's like the scene that starts off Garden State, where everyone is panicking because the plane is going down and Zach Braff is just sitting there numb to it all. After awhile everyone realized what had happened and I was included back into the group again for some drinking games. But the damage had really been done. I no longer wanted to be there and I had already tried to figure out how to make my grand escape. I was so desperate, during those moments of being alone, that I was even trying to use a dating app to find someone for the night, so I wouldn't be alone.

All in all, I didn't know the whole group and the self centered nature of most of the group probably wasn't conducive to adding a stranger. The two guys wearing "Wingman" and "3rd Wheel" tees really showed their lack of general knowledge or lack of caring on how to handle the situation, when both are there with their girlfriends. I know the couple friends I had in the group certainly didn't do this on purpose... it just happened, but is still the biggest reason that I hate New Year's Eve.

US Soccer...

I sometimes wonder... Am I the crazy one? Am I the one who was born on the wrong continent and grew up loving something that most people in the US couldn't give a fuck about?

But then I look around and I'm happy. I'm happy that I understand a sport that is generally regarded as "European". I'm happy that I'm not one of the bandwagon "ESPN sports fans" in the United States. I'm happy that I've taken the time to get it... to understand that you can lose to someone is just plain better than you... to understand that the United States of Entitlement doesn't translate past these borders and that we can't just win because we're the USA... to understand that on some days, the best team doesn't always win.

Do I think I'm better than you? Not a chance. Do I think you should get the fuck out of my way and allow me to follow my passion? Definitely. Now get the fuck out of my way.

Giving Up...

I always wondered how someone could get to the point where they decided that looking for love was no longer worth it... that they were giving up. Finding someone to love and live your life with is one of the fundamental blocks of living life to the fullest, right?

I've reached the point where I'm giving up, and I'll tell you why. I no longer enjoy the process... I no longer believe that I'm better off with someone else... I no longer believe that I will find someone that I can live my life with. I'm giving up.

It's sad and somewhat liberating. I was spending multiple hours on dating apps, and had 10 different apps on my phone at the same time. Many of which I would "match" with girls who never talked to me, or go out on a first date and never go anywhere farther than that. I've dated girls here and there throughout my life, but ultimately it was never anything really worth it. Fuck, I spent more time trying to get away from girls that thought I should be interested in them, not knowing that the whole time I felt like my energy was being sapped by their needy personalities.

So, I'm giving up on love and I'll live my life how I want to... hanging out with my friends, traveling the world, and playing golf. Oh, and I'll have a nice little 6-speed manual, dual exhaust sports car soon enough. Bye.

Tinder... It's a joke, right?

So, I've been on Tinder for a little while now. I was having a hard time finding a girl that would actually give me a chance. I've had some girls that have used me in order to not be alone, and other girls that seemed pretty interested until someone better came along, but at the end of the day... nobody that I really connected with outside of the occasional hook up or a random sporting event. So I tried out three dating apps and maybe this is my own fault because they're all free. I can't even say that Tinder, or any online dating for that matter, is entirely bad. I know plenty of success stories from online dating... it must just be the girls that I meet or more than likely, it's just me.

Here are my experiences with online dating services:

1) Tara... cute enough and a nice smile. We went out for food and a drink or two, walked around for a bit, and even got ice cream together. I talked to her once afterward and never heard back from her again.

2) Courtney... cute too and was "working on herself". We had dinner at an Italian place and had great conversation. I guess working on herself meant she didn't have time to talk to me.

3) Michelle... cute but lived an hour and a half away. I'm not really sure how we even matched up, but we had some really fun text conversations over the draft weekend and set up going to a baseball game. The day of the game came though, and she never showed up. So I went by myself, took some pictures, and talked to some minor league scouts. All in all, this tuned into a great Minor League Baseball bit for the Face Off Hockey Show, so I'm not even that mad.

4) Trysten... really cute smile and great eyes, she seemed like she actually had her life together and we'd talked for 2 hours already on the phone. This "date" was probably over before it started though. We had fun at a dockside bar, talked for awhile, and at the end of the night got a handshake and a "thanks". I knew it wasn't going well when she referred to how she "lived with her ex" on multiple occasions.

Those were just the girls that I matched up with and set something up to meet in person. More times than not, I just never hear back from the girl or we talk for a bit and then she's gone. Since Trysten, it's actually gotten far worse. I've matched with some randomly cute girls and then never heard back from them at all. I figure that, if after a week, I haven't heard from you at all then you're probably not interested in me or your friends matched me when you were drunk at the bar. The topper was last night though, Nellie. She's a cute girl but nothing overly attractive and certainly not out of my league. I sent one message and got something back, however once I got up this morning it was gone and I had been unmatched. I guess this little girl really needed someone to talk to her last night. 

What a joke.

I think I'm going to continue with updates: 

1) Jessica... Beautiful smile and a 35 year old IT Project Manager from Virginia. We talked for about 5 messages before I'm guessing that she decided 1 hour was way too far away for her to travel. I'm guessing because Jessica didn't even have the courtesy to tell me what happened. She asked what I did over the weekend and once I mentioned Baltimore then I was unmatched before I got back into the app.

2) Tally of Girls that never even respond is up to 15 now, since I started the updates section. It's actually worse on Hinge, where I'm not sure I've ever had a girl respond to me. At least there's a "match" though, right.

3) Jennifer... Cute girl and seemed like she could've been fun. I wasn't overly attracted to her, but she was certainly cute. Well Jennifer wanted to meet up but didn't want to give me her phone number... instead it was a good old email address. I emailed her and never heard back.

4) Now I'm starting to get spam on Tinder too. Glad that I've gotten at least 5 porn sites that want to match up with me. That's good for the confidence.

5) Mary... Interesting, cute, amazing smile and stepped right up with the confidence to start the conversation. We had a good conversation about music and concerts, but like everything else... it fizzled out and she stopped talking to me.

Who sees a trend here? Since I'm the only constant in this equation, I can only assume it's me... right? I do understand though, most (if not all of these girls) are out of my league, but I'll keep trying until I get a chance with one of those "out of my league" girls. I feel like once I get a chance, then maybe... just maybe... I can get someone to stick around.

6) Tiffany... Darn, is all I can say. She's my age, attractive, really smart and I thought our hour and half conversation over brunch was pretty nice. Tiffany was certainly out of my league, but our time together ended with her mentioning that she'd like to meet up again. Come to find out that just isn't the case, and she's not interested in me. She was very truthful about it though, actually texted me to tell me this, and I kindof appreciated this girl. She's amazing, but just ending up being too far out of my league.

7) Tiffany might be the last match I get... it's been over a month since I marched with any girls online.

8) My new experiment has turned Tinder into a collection of the cute girls that are still available in the area. It's becoming an optimistic view at the app. The most interesting piece is actually matching. I've tried this with every girl recently, and it continues to work... we talk for maybe a day or two, and then I get busy and don't send anything back. I've yet to have a girl send me anything without me initiating the conversation. There are plenty of cute girls out there however this "online dating" bit just confirms that I'm quite comfortable being by myself.

9) Ok... I'll say that Hinge worked this time. Erin was amazingly cute and we actually dated for 3 months. All in all, things didn't work out past the summer... Be it soccer season and my lack of time, or that we were two very different people, or that the only things we really ever did involved drinking and sex... it just didn't keep going. Erin changed pretty quickly and even accused me of "playing games". Oh well, I can say this time, online dating actually worked out.

10) Since Erin, I'm back in the rut of girls that match on a dating site and then never talk to me. It seems like it's back to being the same old shit.

11) Jennifer... Another girl on Hinge, which is far better at finding real people and girls that I find attractive than Tinder. I was insanely nervous as soon as she walked in... Jennifer might be the first girl in the history of online dating who was more attractive in real life than in the profile pictures. Awesome personality, likes sports, country music, lived in the city, owned her own house... the list goes on and on. I tried a text or so after the date, with no response back, but Jennifer is a super cool girl that was maybe a bit too far out of my league.

12) As an aside now, I've found a new dating app called Happn... it uses you phone gps, which tracks you anyway, you see if you cross paths with cute girls on a day to day basis. No real interactions have occurred yet, but it seems promising and the girls there are real people. I'll try this out, and maybe it'll get me out of the house to find people.

13) I don't believe 13 is an unlucky number, but this time it is. Kelli is super cute, smart, and is pretty much what I'd look for in someone to date. I thought we even had a really good date... trying each other's food and the beers that was got. 90 minutes went by without even thinking about it, but when I asked her out again... we quickly became "friends". I really don't have a clue what happened here and I'm actually kind of hurt some. I'm starting to believe that I'm closer and closer to just buying a sports car and calling it a day. I do find it very weird that I've never really had any girl interested in me that I was also interested in.