Being Home... but not alone.

Since the last time I’ve written here... a lot has changed. March 2020 was the beginning of the “great lockdown of 2020”, but I’m not sure if that was really seen as coming on. The past 6 months have been decently crazy, and I’m not sure if this isn’t just a click past my “normal” (please remember that normal is a relative term).

The reason I say that this is a click past normal is that I live by myself, and I can definitely work from work. There are people in far worse spots that I am... our economy has had the bottom drop out, parents have had to buy computers or upgrade the internet for their kids to be at home, and ultimately I’m ok being by myself. The biggest issue I’ve had is that I need to eat more, since I rarely eat when I’m at my home alone... I should also clean my house up.

Since I’ve been home:

* I’ve gotten to learn my camera more, and have come to appreciate how manual shooting works.

* I’ve gotten to see the wildlife that lives in my “backyard” (by that I mean the sediment pond and wooded area behind my house).

* I’ve worked on a Moon Project, that will come out at some point shortly. There’s only a few people that know this is even occurring, and fuck if I know who reads this. (PS: it’s better that way, since I feel like nobody reads this and I can write what I’m really thinking).

* I’ve gone out to play golf some, and have been hitting the ball better than I have in years. It’s started to feel good again.

* I got to appreciate the Tour de France again, and spent the three weeks with someone I haven’t really talked to in years.

* I’ve gone on a date, albeit a clusterfuck of a day.

* I’ve gotten better at being alone and being ok with it. I’m putting less pressure on myself to find someone to love, and just living my life the way I should. I make a good amount of money, especially for being single, and should be able to travel, enjoy concerts, and do things on my own.

I believe it’s time to get live back to moving toward a life before the “great lockdown” occurred. I’d like to go out and be with my friends... going to a concert or watching sports together. Ultimately things like FaceTime and Hangouts have helped to bring people together... even ones I thought were gone. Until everyone comes back together though, I’m doing well, and watching the world being a much less actually social place that it was 6 months ago.

I'm back ...

I never really notice that I don't write anything on here ... until I realize that I don't write anything on here.  It looks like my last post was 6 months ago, so let's catch up.

Since that time ...

* I've gotten into photography, way more than I had in the past.  It's something that's filling the spot that refereeing used to hold.  I've bought a new camera, a new lens, and gotten an older version to the Adobe Creative Suite (for free).  Let's see what raw photos can bring and how I can become better.

* I've taken a lot of pictures for the Maryland Black Bears, and everyone around the hockey team seems to like what I'm doing.  I sure hope they do, this is taking a bunch of time, but it's been great.  I'm supposed to get a team issued Bauer puffy jacket this season too, which is pretty sweet.

* The Face Off Hockey Show and Chesapeake Hockey Week have good followings again.

* I've been asked to take pictures for NASCAR, at the Pocono Race Track.  I might not be able to do this, due to work obligations, but being asked is a feat in itself.

* I've been to some concerts ... Jimmie Allen most recently.

* I've become far more content with being single.  Honestly, I've become happy that I'm single.  I see/hear some of the issues of dating/being married ... and I'm just enjoying things right now.  Maybe I never get married, who knows ... it's not like I don't have something else (photography/traveling/concerts) that can take up my time.  I also am a really good sleeper still.

** Unrelated to things I've done already ... who knows someone at Merriweather or Rams Head Live, that needs a concert photographer?  Now that would be an awesome night!

All in all, things are going really well right now.  When I look back at situations, from my past, I'm happy that decisions didn't go in a different way, or that I didn't settle for something that wasn't good for me.  I feels good to be back doing something that I enjoy ... like when I enjoyed refereeing soccer.

Missing your last shot?

What happens if you missed your last shot... what if you didn’t even know it was your last chance at love... what would you do with your life after that ... what is your purpose?

These are interesting thoughts, that I just came across recently. I mean, I’ve had my fair share of women that I was interested in... less that were interested in me... and maybe one that had something mutual, that could’ve worked out in a different time or different place. I know the time and place specifically... it was a time in my life where I wasn’t up for someone forcing themselves into my life, and she was ready to stop everything and move in. Looking back though, years later now, and she’s moved on and is married... I think that was my last chance at ever being married or finding someone I could “love”. I almost wonder if there’s some truth to the notion that “everyone settles when they get married”. I’ve never wanted to settle on “having someone in my life”.

I’ve always gone along with this notion that I could (eventually) be totality ok by myself forever, and I think that could still be the truth... but will I even let myself get to that point? I feel like I go through old memories all the time, and end up putting myself in a different time or a different situation than I am in today.

I’m not sure it’s any more than an “interesting thought”, that I could be somewhere else in my life. Would I be happy, if I thought I settled for someone? Would I have actually settled, once we really got down to a real relationship? More than likely I’ll never know... I’ve had girls that I’ve been close to walk away from me like it was nothing...  women that I’ve been attracted to decide I was  “too” something (insert adjective here)... and most women that are interested in me, I’m just not attracted to. I will say that I’m happy that I’m not with most of the girls that I’ve had in my life... most of them had really shitty personalities. But I guess everyone has one person that they wonder about...

PS:  it's nice to have some time, to look again at things like this.  Everything, personality wise, that I didn't like about this person is still there.  She's still the same person ... she just found someone that is probably the same as her.

Year in Review: Grades

Experience - Grade... explanation

Leaving Medstar — 8 ... I needed to do this for Eric, for Virginia and Jenn, and for me, my sanity, my health, and my career growth. It was still hard to leave two people that I became really close with over the years though. This was also the first time I’ve left a job because I wanted to move on for myself and for my career.

New Bed — 8 ... Upgrading to the queen sized bed has been amazing... just the extra size is great. I did need to buy a topper for it, to make it a bit less firm, but now this is a great purchase and has definitely helped my Snorsi stats.

Winter Olympics — 7 ... Hockey was shit, except for some fun “Cinderella” German hockey stories. I found more fun in watching other events... ski jumping and Norwegian Drive-By and speed skating. Plus I had a bunch of time since this was part of the two weeks I was off work.

Starting at AAMC — 9 ... this was the change I needed. Not only am I making more money, but I have a set of people that care and believe in me. They understand that I know what I’m doing, and that only makes me want to keep all that going (and not mess up). I can see myself moving into a bigger role here, getting promoted, and making more money.

Time with Deb — It happened, that’s it.

Capitals winning the Stanley Cup — 10+ ... all day and every day. I never thought I’d see the day, when the Washington Capitals were Stanley Cup champions, and it’s changed my outlook on life really. A team, that’s been historically not a winner... figures out how to win and bring together Washington DC. This is the shit movies are made out of. Maybe this means that I can actually find someone to be interested in me (perfect timing, see above)... I mean, if the Caps can win, anyone should be able to accomplish their dreams (am I right?).

World Cup — 4 ... the World Cup was weird this year, without the USA or Italy to root for. Nobody took off work to watch games. Nobody really watched games together. I watched what I could, and had a good time at the event for the World Cup Final.

Buying STi — 8 ... So far, this car is amazing. It’s fast, really fast, and fun to drive. I’ve started caring about a car again, since I scraped a wheel already and needed to get paint from Hong Kong in order to touch it up. Buying the STi was the right choice, since it still leaves me the dream of owning a Porsche someday. It isn’t perfect, and leaves me time to find my perfect.

40th Birthday — 7 ... I kindof hate birthday gatherings. They always seem to come off as forced, like everyone else has better things to do but “has to be here for your birthday.” Luckily I talked my mom out of renting a place, since it rained the whole day. All in all, it was nice to have my family there, and we celebrated how I made it one more year closer to dying.

Retiring from Refereeing — 9 ... this was a great decision. Have I been bored, sure... and I’ve even watched a bunch of college soccer on tv. But I also have time to go to Caps games, see friends, go out on dates, watch soccer, go to bars, etc. I can just do all the stuff that I’ve missed out on for years. Also, I don’t have to raise someone else’s kid because they’re an entitled little fuck who’s only been told how great he or she is their whole life. I also don’t have to deal with coaches, who can’t yell at the little fucks, so they take it out on other people. Did I tell you how perfect this decision is?

Renn Fest — 7 ... it was a really good time, but there’s a lot to take in. I mean, there’s so much that it’s really overwhelming and chaotic at first. The group of people that I went with though, are fantastic. They’re just a lot of fun. I think next year will be better... as I’ll know what to expect more.

Time with Samantha — 4 ... I thought something was a bit off, from the beginning, but I was holding out some hope still. Sam needed to tell me how important she was... which was super cute, it was like she was nervous and peacocking. Ultimately, I guess it wasn’t really cute or nervous, and was more just her actual personality. It just sucks to be strung along, to just never hear back from a girl that’s “busy”. I normally take that as “not interested and looking for better... but you’ll do if I don’t find anyone else”. I’m really happy that I went I see Bohemian Rhapsody, by myself, and didn’t wait for that to be a date night.

Turkey Trot — 7 ... it was cold, I mean really cold, and I haven’t run since I stopped refereeing. But I didn’t die, and overall felt ok. I didn’t have a lot of time with the group though, since I needed to get home, shower, and get in a car for Thanksgiving. All in all, it’s a good way to start the day.

Thanksgiving — 5 ... these types of holidays seem forced to me. It’s the same forced conversations, eating too much, and laying on the couch watching football. Maybe wrestling ruined this day, since I always had a tournament that weekend, but I just don’t get into Thanksgiving that much. Plus, this is the second year or so that I’ve just transported beer up and back. Nobody likes good beer, and even the shit beer didn’t go. It’s a wasted day really.

Christmas — 4 ... I’ve lost the Christmas Spirit completely. Even to the point that I’m probably working on Christmas Eve, and won’t travel to my family in PA. I just find it utterly worthless, since  I buy what I want for myself, and I don’t have a girlfriend to buy something for. Having a nephew should make this more fun, in a year or so, I think.  Then he'll be into the present opening and all.

Boxing Day — N/A ... I was working and never got to go out to watch soccer with the group.

New Year’s Eve — N/A ... I didn't have any plans.  Asleep by 9pm, and the year ended just like most other years.  It is what it is.

In summary... 2018 was great for me, career wise and in becoming more confident in myself and accepting of myself. My group of friends have become stronger. I’ve added new people into that mix, and removed some people that were just not bringing anything to the table. On the girl front... same old same old. There was some promise at the beginning of the year, which ultimately ended in being just as far away as I’ve ever been, and something that could've worked at the end of the year.  Maybe having actual dates with more than one girl a year would help me out. It’ll happen someday, maybe... the worst part though is all the questions still.  You know what too if it doesn’t ever happen, then I can keep traveling by myself, going to concerts I’ve always wanted to, or doing literally whatever the fuck I want to. I could also just end up having a lot of money, that I’m saving for my family, as well. I need to get on creating that will though and setting up everything for the future... maybe in 2019, along with finishing the basement.

Closing out 2018: Year in Review...

It's mid-November, and 2018 is probably coming to a close for me.  I've had the "end of summer" dating app uptick, and even a couple dates.  So far, six full hours of dating for the year (pretty nice that I can track that on my Life Cycle App), but it seems like nothing is going farther than that. I’m only counting hours with Samantha, since nothing that occurred with the c-bomb earlier in the year actually existed as eventful time spent in my life (actually, it's literally time wasted on a 38 year old child).  Not that I'm still bitter or anything.  It's just far better to find out the "I've never been interested in you" quote in the beginningso I can adjust accordingly and treat her like a friend the whole time ... and not just find out about it after wasting so much time (and a Caps game and introducing her to other people in my life) on her.

Fall and Winter are normally great though, for me personally, since I normally get to sleep way more, with that light being shorter and all things going on.  Over the past week alone, I've averaged 96% sleep efficiency and an average time of 10:18 ... and this includes a Friday night where I watched old Queen Live sets on YouTube, and tried beer that has been left at my house.  As a quick aside: if you like Queen at all, check out the 'Bohemian Rhapsody' movie ... it's a quick 2 hours and 20 minutes.  I also just got a new set of sheets, that can only make my sleep more amazing this winter.

Over this past year, I've become more comfortable being single.  I've gotten out of the house, and gone to Caps games by myself, concerts by myself, movies by myself, and even went to get some food and "eat out" by myself.  I've always been an independent type of person, but never felt comfortable doing some things still ... things are society deems as "social events" or "date nights" I guess.  Getting past that is good, for me, as it means that I'm doing more and not waiting on other people to go.  Like the Queen movie, for example ... last week I'd gone out with Samantha on Monday night, and we even talked about going to the movie together.  Since I haven't really heard from her since, as she's apparently been “busy”, I'm really happy that I just went by myself and didn't wait on her.  Being more comfortable also isn’t hurt since I'm making a lot more money that I have in the past, and I'm in a much better place at work as well.  All in all, things are going really well, but I'd love to be able to share it with someone else (preferably a cute female that might be interested in me too).

PS:  I feel like I should give different aspects of my life grades, like US soccer players after a friendly against Brazil.  This might be fun for another day.  Maybe an actual "Year in Review"... where I rate experiences through the year.

A step early...

I’ll start this off by saying that I’m quite happy right now. I have a bunch of good friends, that actually look out for me, invite me places, and I’ve never felt more comfortable being alone. I still have this one, albeit very random, event that sits over my head... I’m always the “step” that takes a girl from being insecure or doubting themselves to being in a long term relationship and getting married.

Ok, always is hyperbole... I think it’s around 85 to 90 percent of the girls that I’ve dated/hooked up with, have moved on and found someone shortly after. I’m not saying this to mention that I’m great, or something like that, more to the contrary. I wonder why this keeps happening. What do I do so wrong?

I ask that question often... to myself, to girls that are either friends or aren’t friends... because I feel like I’m the only constant in everything. I have to be doing something wrong, if I can’t work out how to date someone, but the next guy can or at the very least gets a shot.

I need to figure out what I do wrong. I need to do some introspection. But until then, I’ll just work on being comfortable with who I am, and be ok being alone... it’s the only way I can be happy.

Losing a good friend

It’s interesting losing someone that you were close to, at some point of your life... whether it was for years or months, this was someone you could honestly says “knows more about me than I ever tell anyone else”.

I’m a reserved person. Some would call it calculated even. I tell you what I want you to hear, nothing more and nothing less. There are just some people, in this world, that I become very close to... very open with... and that rule about telling you what I want you to hear, goes right out the window. These are the people that I consider close, and I have a feeling that I’m starting to lose them.

There aren’t a lot of people I’m close to. It like the X-men maybe, they’re out there but people don’t know who they are. I’ve been close to less than 5 people in my life, give or take a little. So, it’s a bit sad when those people end up leaving. Granted, when they come back... we talk like nothing ever happened, but the in between time makes me feel like they’re gone. Nobody to talk to. Nobody to share the good things with. Nobody that really cares.

This has happened twice recently. Someone I’ve been friends with for 10+ years at this point, has just stopped. Not even a ‘happy birthday’ note on Facebook. It is what it is... she was always more into herself than anyone else in her life. But really? Maybe I just ended up being a dog sitter for half of the time, after she got married and had kids. The more recent one was someone I got close to quickly and someone who left just as quickly. I’m never one to allow someone to set plans and then never contact me. So, it sucks, but go fuck yourself. This was someone that I had a lot of fun with, and someone that could’ve been someone really close to me. Gone in a flash, and at no real fault of my own.

All in all, I’m a very reserved person. I have a ton of friends... that know this or know that about me, mostly it’s all what I want people to know. Some people are closer than that, but not many. Some people are father away, and someone that I go “I’m pretty certain I played soccer with her at some point”. At the end of the day though, it’s kindof sad when someone I was close to moves on. I don’t know if that seat at the round table should be filled, or left vacant. I don’t know if anyone would even come to be part of that group even. Finding someone to be close to might’ve even passed me by... like so many other people have. 

All the people that moved on with their lives, and no longer have a place for me... the single guy.

PS: I’m certain that I blame online dating for letting things like “ghosting” become mainstream and acceptable. Shit like this allows people to move on, without being a decent human being in the slightest, and believe that nothing is wrong with their behavior.